I lay there, thinking, for maybe twenty minutes and as you do when you allow thoughts to come and go at leisure, began to consider the nature of reality and the purpose and complexity of being human. In a way, it was a rather breakthrough session. As the shadowy figures walked past I thought about how each of them has their own mind full of their own thoughts.
Each one has a vast, complex story and template for reality that they carry around and add to. Each one has the obligatory animal impulses that drive all humans - to be safe, to eat, to have sex, to belong, to shit, to find pleasure...
And the world is full to the brim of these beings. All doing something. All, like sharks, forever moving forwards, doing something, living, re-acting, going somewhere - but never stopping. And everywhere, people are trying to create some sort of control, some feeling of ownership, power. Forming dynamic entities, joining forces, naming things, creating structures and rules, maps, writing treatises, declarations, giving and getting awards and commendations, loving each other, hurting each other... all in the pursuit of some kind of justification for existence. Making up stories called lives that will satisfy the deep, deep inner urge to be heard, seen, understood.
But in truth, it's all just make believe. None of it will last. None of it truly means anything at all. It's just a construct. A necessary - and mostly completely convincing one. The truth is though, its just one massive life form, growing, changing, pulsating every moment. There is no way to even remotely come to terms with the scope of it. To fully conceive of the true nature, the true reality is so far beyond our mortal entities that it is laughable.
So, what to do? Does it matter? How to respond?
What is my mission? I asked myself, my face covered by my tshirt, writhing around on the gorgeous beach, unconstrained, unencumbered. Why do I think so much? Why have I always? what am I striving to comprehend?
I want to know! I want to find the answers to my questions about the nature of existence. I want to break through the restraints of everyday living, confines, and become illuminated. Not in a grand sense, nor with any ego, nor in a religious way. I seek this as an adventurer. It's a quest. It is my mission. I have spent much of my life on it. In many ways, everything I do is motivated by it. I want to go to the edge of what is possible - in this time and place - in this particular body - in comprehending the vast, infinite everything.
There will be no payoff, no acknowledgement, no final answer, of course. It's a very personal voyage. My spirit, my body, my brain - teamed together on their mission. Others have sports and family and travel and jobs and pleasurable habits and creative pursuits. I have my tshirt pulled over my head and a hungry, hungry mind.
It was a breakthrough yesterday. I did, when I came out of my shell and looked around at the wonder of the sea and passing people and the sky and, and, everyhing... I did feel and very basic and strong sense of awe and wonder and appreciation. I had purged myself of personal attachment and mundane thoughts and elevated to a new clarity.
A mantra came to me - and I will share it:
'Let it go. Let it happen.'