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Question Your Perception

29/7/2019

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​
Society presents a reality
That is at least partly constructed
For the benefit of those in power
For their profit and self advancement
With disregard for consequence


It’s up to you to use your intuition
In the formation of your decisions, your perception


Don’t be easily manipulated
By the ostensible, subversive undercurrents
Of the social requirement pushers


What is life?
Who are you?
Question it all, question it all


There is no standard answer
Allow your mind beyond existing parameters
Don’t let social norms restrict you
In your quest for personal truth and meaning


Because
If you think about it
Humanity is but a construct
An amalgamation of concepts
Agreed upon, accepted


Going with the flow is expected
Acquiescence is encouraged
And by all means, when it suits you
Use the paths already forged for your progression


But when you come across
Elements of standards
Moral, philosophical, practical
That demand you compromise your behaviour
Go against the grain of your innate awareness
Resist
And forge your own way


Investigate your natural instincts
Through research, discourse, quiet contemplation
To lead to a more expanded understanding
Of what things are
Of how things work


You’ll quickly see beyond the construct
Move beyond the fences
See that society can so easily restrict and limit us
Box us in
Categorise us for it’s own advantage


Through fresh concepts, words and actions
Express your essence and your truth
Illuminate your unique take on life, the world and everything
Formulate your reality to suit

​

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Look Away

14/5/2018

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​There’s just so much going on

These days
And, although, of course
There always was
It’s in our face
On our screens
In our ears
A constant drone
A prolonged scream
For attention

From everyone
About everything

No wonder
We feel overloaded
Foggy, numb and bloated

There’s only so much
One person can absorb

So much of what we are fed
Is garbage
Soul-less spruiking
Money motivated
Trying to grab our attention
For selfish reasons

Vapid
Surface
Tepid
Worthless

Look away, I say
Look away
See the clouds and imagine things
See the mountains and head towards them

Climb above the every day fog
Of useless information clouding your vision

You need to!
No, not later!
Now!

It’s an addiction
This over stimulation
It delivers no joy
Its just distraction
A ploy
Packed with platitudes
A pantomime
To sway your attitude
To swipe something from you
Your time or energy, your money
It’s corrupting, egregious
Don’t shrug or laugh it off
It corrupts you
It isn’t funny

Look away, I say
Look away
Turn off your device
Step back from the screen
Sure, life is an illusion anyway
But nature’s presentation is so much more pristine
Has substance, grounding, meaning

Get real again
Find purity
Simplicity
Use your ingenuity
To create a depth of reality
That you can rely on
And believe in
Beyond the prism of digital domains
Which pretty quickly can become a prison

Escape to find yourself
Go outside and stay there
Unplug and unwind
Go outside of your craving mind
So much more out there
Awaits you

Look away, look away
Before the shiny thing
Makes you dumb and blind

Look away
Look away

See there?
Far in the distance
You may find yourself
Ready and awaiting your return

Go!
Now!
Not later!


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The Shift

25/4/2018

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I need a reason
To get up in the morning
An interest strong
To keep me interested
To help me carry on

Days can wear you down
Once you’ve been around the block
A few hundred times
Not much can shock
You get kind of resigned

Despite best intentions
To remain spirited, keen
There’s a shift in perception
Increased apprehensions
Life loses it’s sheen

Now I’m not complaining
It is what it is
I’m really just saying
You should not be surprised
When you get here
If you make it this far

There’s no prize for endurance
In fact it’s bizarre
What a let down
After the build up of youth, middle age
After years of vigilance and persistence
How you end up with in shade
Out of the limelight
Adrift from the crowd
Removed from the parade

And it’s not sudden
It creeps up on you slow
Like the reverse of seduction
Leaves you perplexed, listless, T.K.O’d

Down for the count
And tempted to remain
Prone, maybe linger
Immersed in the muffled mundane

But you shouldn’t
Don’t!
You can’t!

It’s just a different kind of challenge
That you need to accept and embrace
In many ways harder than
Demands of the earlier, preliminary races

It’s not all presented to you
Laid out on your plate
You’ve got to rustle up your hustle
Grapple with your diminishing fate

Decide to continue
Despite lowered odds
A limited menu
And an audit from the gods

Play it as you will
What remains
It’s up to you

Now you know just who you are
You need to watch the levels on the reservoir
Find enrichment in truth rather than thrill

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Reflection

1/1/2018

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    I wouldn’t say that I obsess about it. But it is something that my mind keeps returning to.

Like right now, I sit down at the cafe and pull out my iPad. Moments before it starts up, I catch my reflection in the glossy black screen face. Of course, I recognise the visage but, strangely, I am surprised by how old I am. I shouldn’t be. I should be used to it. But it still gets me. I certainly don’t feel the age of my appearance. In my mind, I am mid thirties - something like that. (Just a few decades younger than in fact.)

I know this is not an original topic and even a little boring. I have read articles along similar lines and don’t find them all that interesting anymore.  (Except for one today about Walt Whitman - and how his love of nature was his sanctuary in his latter years.)

But this is different. This is me. I am going to keep writing just to see what, if anything, of interest reveals itself. I like to take lines of self inquiry sometimes and extrapolate. Delve in, peel away layers, sort through the stacks, wander down the corridors and see where they lead.

It’s interesting to wonder - wherever I end up getting to, thought-wise; will it be somewhere that already exists - you know, in there, my mind - or will it be something that could only have been created by following a particular thought paths? Do we pull things from the ether, out of nowhere? What are we accessing - is it fresh stuff or a collage, reconfiguration of pre-existing notions/concepts?

I can’t answer that, obviously. How the fuck would I know! But then, why not me? Somebody has to be the first to answer any puzzle. Existence doesn’t care about qualifications, prior knowledge, who it is doing the speculation. Everything is accessible to everyone. The only limits (in this domain) are self imposed. And why impose limits on one’s self?

I try not to. But, of course, I do. We all do. Fear and doubt and lack of esteem and courage lurk within us all. We are a never ending whirlpool of shifting head spaces, emotions. It always amazes me at how unruly my interior life is. And how constantly demanding. There were times in my twenties and thirties - actually, all through my life - when I have felt on the brink of losing control. Perhaps this is not unusual. Perhaps it varies person to person. On the flip side, my wildly oscillating mind and unpredictable spirit, gift me with a constantly flowing access to creative expression. The tap always works, I just turn it on and the flow is always strong.

Please don’t think that I talk about myself because I think I am great or special. Cause I don’t. I am a soldier in the trenches. I am one of the many. I don’t mind what you think, actually, because I don’t know who you are and it would all be biased speculation (on your part and mine) anyway. But I do feel compelled to point out that, in these speculative essays, I cast myself as a subject of interest. I have access to myself - so that is who I talk about.

I have always been interested in introspection - since about eight or nine years of age, I would say. I like quiet times. I like low activity because it allows internal observation and extrapolation. Is is just something to do, is anything actually ever achieved? I can’t say. It’s just my nature. And you gotta go with what you’ve got.

From about the age of fourteen I began to write a few of my thoughts down for amusement. The added benefit, I have since come to realise is that others, readers, may identify thoughts and qualities in themselves that are similar. Just like reading a horoscope. We all like the - ‘yeah, that’s me’ feeling of identification.

We like it because if makes things feel less random. It helps us believe that we belong. That there is a purpose. Perhaps even a meaning behind it all.

In my humble opinion, however, as desirable as this is - it is unlikely.

But the feeling (and it’s accompanying temporary comfort) is no less valid whether it be true or not. We do all kinds of things - in fact, most of what we do - is in order to connect, feel worthwhile, valued, or consequence.

Like I have said before we are fragile, volatile entities. And the journey itself is constantly different. We want to pin things down, draw conclusions - it’s part of our nature - but the truth is that everything is transient. Even our concepts of reality. Then, as we slowly, or quickly, change form, feelings, opinions, as we drift through an ever-altering landscape there are a few things we tend to grasp on to. We require a feeling of belonging, security, connection to others, peace of mind. We want to function within a limited paradigm - one that we can keep a grip on, feel like we are progressing (in some way) within. (And for most of us, at least at varying stages - this is possible. Temporary, but achievable.)

But when something takes us out of the box, when there is a sudden shift, or when we allow ourselves to acknowledge the actual complete lack of borders and the fact that we are functioning in a completely fabricated construct - partly by reality, partly by society and the rest by our own minds - then things get a bit more funky.

There are times that letting go and floating free is enjoyable (as long as you know you can get back to your comfortable construct again), and there are times when it is decidedly uncomfortable - ie. when everything is thrown up in the air and some of your favourite elements are suddenly no longer. Times like when someone you love dies, you are involved in an accident, or a part of your physical well being is distressingly compromised. These kinds of things send you into a funk.

Nothing like being in sudden danger of losing your life - that of a loved one or your most valued possessions - for you to realise just how much you value your life after all; despite it’s incessant challenges and niggling demands.

Anything has to be better than nothing.

We are ‘programmed’ to believe that. Otherwise, people would be early exiting all over the place.

So we struggle on. Questioning, contemplating, trying things, urgently attempting to satisfy our urges and needs.

When you get older, like 57 older for example, you think back to all the ups and downs you have experienced, the ecstasies and torments you have lived through, the loves found and lost, the younger versions of self that you so fully experienced - you think about all that and then when you see a reflection of your current self by chance - it all comes flooding in.

That’s me. That’s fucking me! This is me. But who am I? Still here - I can see - but so what? Is it going to be more of the same?

No, look - it won’t be the same - it can’t be. You are older now. The wild times that began in your teens and carried on through to your forties - they have waned most substantially. The wild times well, has, in fact, it seems, gotten down to distressingly low levels.

Limits are imposed upon you. Physical limits, at least. This has to be accepted, worked around. Thankfully, though, mentally you are stronger and clearer than ever.

I can still think about things. Get all up there with the speculation about things, with the extrapolations. I can write about the me of the present, in these fleeting moments and maybe capture something, somethings - like fireflies, butterflies, buzzy bees - not capture them to keep or cage - maybe not even capture but just grab at them. Do it to further come to know their simple yet complex beauty.

And I can ride on the coat tails of my previous endeavours, extract the essence, formulate theories, fabricate exaggerated tales (not that I do).

I care what I look like, how old I am - to the extent that if effects my behaviour, my options. But on other levels - it doesn’t matter. I have been lucky to have lived this long, gotten this far - and look - here’s evidence - I may have learnt something - however ephemeral, tenuous, speculative - something worthwhile.

I feel good, for the moment, in the moment. I am glad I have spent this time recording this. There are plenty of other things I could have done - but I gone done this. These words, these ideas punched out it a mini frenzy of thoughtful expression.

I have carved them on the cave wall, if you will. Maybe they will illuminate some thoughts and feelings amongst my fellow cave dwellers. Maybe someone will feel a little less alone, a little less freaked out in their own ageing, their own inner conflicts, state of mind. Maybe getting old really does bring some wisdom. If that is the word. (Sounds a bit fuddy-duddy.)

Could I have written this ten years ago?

Well, I didn’t. So now is now and what is is what is supposed to be. (Now I am just sprouting platitudes.) It is so all just speculation. But we so want it to be more than that! That’s what life is. That dynamic of input, interpretation and conclusion. We settle on something that will serve us.

There is no pinning it down. All systems are go. All the time. And what have I learnt from this outburst? Hmmmm...

My feeling now is that I will finish this short piece - my second coffee has just been consumed - get up - pack away my iPad, go for a walk and a swim (how lucky am I!) and carry on with the rest of my day.

Continue living out the pattern of my individual construct, enjoying the good bits and enduring the difficult. I will always be me, whatever age. I am used to it by now. Sure, once in a while, I will be surprised by the gap between what is and what I believe or feel, but, fuck it, who cares. I’ll likely be back here tomorrow before my swim, having another black brew, spitting out a fresh take on the deliciously devious and delightfully bewildering continuance we exist within.

Tomorrow, though, I’ll try not to catch a glance of my visage.
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Meditations On Writing

25/12/2017

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You can access alternative reality planes
Without the use of substances or drugs
Your mind has powers beyond the limit of your imagination
And when you journey towards the edges
You can peer over
Keep on going
Your choice
There is no limit
Go as far as you desire
In any direction
Beyond temporal, space constrictions
As far as your imagination desires

You can do it by reading, by just thinking
Daydreaming, meditation
Or you can do it by doing something creative
(And there are other ways, too; music, sports and science to name a couple)
But for now I will concentrate on writing

Because I have an intimate relationship with writing
I get lost in my writing sometimes
Quite often
I find myself again, always
Slightly changed
Renewed, redefined
Enigmatic the effect
Not tangible exactly
Not easily explainable
But I will try

By forming words to describe your headspace
You are actively sculpting
Something that you are not sure of
Your instinct and intuition guide you
After some practice
You just keep going
You move out of your own way
No judgement
No editing

Word after word
Become phrases, sentences, paragraphs
Then eventually you have something of substance
Something with meaning

May just be a description
May be a collection of opinions
May be an astute observation
Or a combination of them all

You get into a rhythm
You fingers syncopated with your breathing
Your blood euphorically pumping
Because it knows that you are leading
With your heart and mind
Creating
Something that your soul responds to

But also being lead
Somewhere
Somewhere different to where you started
A short distance from your your departure
But increasingly further the longer you continue

It is very much like going on a journey
Without physically going anywhere
It involves trust and exploration
Invention and imagination
What is coming up?
What’s next?
Impulsiveness and consideration go hand in hand
Personal opinion and universal understanding
Side by side
Integrated

There are moments of pause
Quick decisions, choices
Go this way or that?
Swerving, scaling, chasing...
It’s just a game
Best not to be too serious
About anything
But put your heart into it
Commit
And carry on

I like to write in cafes
Look up
In the moments in between
Get distracted momentarily
By a beautiful figure passing by
An alluring waltz in her step
Perhaps
A ragamuffin mutt
Distractingly cute
Or
You will pick up
A voice that can’t be ignored
The curious glance of a stranger
Soft toned enquiry from a waitress

Grab an instant out of reality
Integrate it, maybe
But usually not
Just dive back in to the river
Continue down the stream
How sweet it is to have access
To such a silky self created dream

I really do recommend it
To everyone, to all
It’s a wonderful, simple pleasure
No discipline at all, really
Just practice
Practice, practice
And more doing, doing, doing
But when it is like this
Something that you love so
It’s enlightening and rewarding

And how many things
Can you say
Provide you
With both of those at once?

Without getting to preachy
I do believe
That we need to aspire
As human beings
To loftier heights
We are born to explore, extend
Elevate ourselves and each other

And writing is such a simple
Magnificent
Process
Available to all
No rights or wrongs
Say what you want
The way you want
When you want and how you want

Whether or not
Someone will read it
Does not matter
The act itself offers the greatest pleasure
The purest reward

It allows you to ask the questions
To consider unthinkable options
To shake up existing notions
Pull the covers away from rustling theories
Buried deep beneath
A pile of daily distractions

It allows you to delve deep
To hypothesise
Envisage
Suppose

In some ways it offers
So much freedom
That it can seem overwhelming
So what to do?
Don’t worry
Start with anything
Just get going

As you carry on
You will discover
That what needs to be revealed
Will be

It’s mystical
It’s magic
Spirit is involved
Soul accessed

I am doing it right now
Nothing fancy

And I want to encourage you
To do the same
Write anything
Give yourself a chance
To discover the sweetest of nectars
A most noble of enterprises
An entree to self expansion

It’s exquisite
Let it take you
Where you may otherwise
Have never gone
​
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Be You

17/12/2017

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One of the most important things to me is to be true to myself.

Being a person is not an easy task under any circumstances, not for anyone.

We all have our own ways of dealing with life’s demands.

Bottom line is: whatever works for you.

There are always complications - as we know - and sometimes things that work, stop working. So you have to find, manufacture, adopt, invent new strategies.

That being said there are a few things that can remain in your arsenal that will always serve you.

For me one of these is to always strive to know what is going on - not to always control because that is not possible - but at least to have a good sense of where my head space is and what I think and feel about situations. Basically, to listen to my intuition, my inner wisdom and let it guide me.

This doesn’t always work, of course, and various times I have gone astray, way off track. Sometimes for years at a time. In retrospect - once I have crawled out of whatever deep, deep hole I have dug myself into - I can work out where I made the wrong turns and how I can avoid the same mistakes in the future.

A few times I have gotten so far off the track that I was lucky to make it back alive.

But such is life.

In these times I have remained true to myself but have let certain aspects become hazy, misguided, misleading.

In effect, I have slowly lead myself astray or, on some occasions, allowed myself be lead astray.

I don’t know why - it’s a gradual thing usually. Like the frog in water that gets increasingly hotter over time - too subtle to notice till it’s almost too late.

Every time I have got myself into some kind of bad place - usually either in a relationship, through substance addiction or over indulgence or through lack of sound judgement, I have had to wake up to myself and begin the long and arduous process of reversing things, turning things around through change of habits, systematic re-evaluations and reconstruction of processes. In layman’s terms: ‘Getting my fucking act together!’

This is usually difficult in the beginning but becomes increasingly easier as the efforts begin to pay off and improvements become apparent.

Looking back now my usual trigger are emotional upset, depression, boredom, loss of direction or plain old simple self delusion. Sometimes they come from an event or series of events but not always.

I have recently surmised that the best defense is prevention. Heed the early signs of decline and intervene. Easier said than done - but henceforth I vow to be increasingly vigilant - cause after a full year of recovery and disciplined self improvement - and having reached a healthy and acceptable place and energy - I realise that extreme ups and downs take their toll on the psyche and I do not wish to slip again.

Even as these ‘bad’ phases were happening, I was still aware of making the best of situations, circumstances. I am not someone who knowingly self sabotages or makes things harder for myself on purpose. This is good - but in some ways, when I am on a descending arc, it is harder to identify. ‘Things are OK’, I will tell myself. But they aren’t.

You need to be heading in the right direction in the bigger picture of things. You need purpose, self improvement though disciplined efforts, a positive vision for your future, something to work on that is rewarding and nourishing. You need to feel useful and, if possible, loved.

As someone who spends a substantial amount of time each day thinking about things, assessing, pondering, considering - when I am writing poems or stories, or cooking up new projects, working on new creative ideas or planning my life flow - I also pay attention to my impulsive thoughts and reactions to situations and my feelings about what is occurring. Watching myself be myself. Wheels within wheels. This is something I am comfortable with and have been doing for a long time. Some may say I think too much and maybe I do. But that’s just who I am. It has it’s advantages and disadvantages. I am definitely my own boss in the mind department and allow myself free rein and a lot of slack. I am not fearful and often really enjoy just going where my mind takes me. Like an adventurer. I know the pitfalls, the dangers. I have gotten lost, gone too far before and I am wary. But I do believe that I am also capable and experienced in mind journeys and confident in my abilities. Like those guys who free climb those giant peaks.

I am not showing off. It’s nothing to show off about, really. Everybody is good at some thing(s). This is one of my things.

The point I began with, though, is about veracity, authenticity. I do not like lies, untruths, misrepresentations. They cloud things, they confuse, they create fog - which leads to missteps and accidents. Truth is harmonious, it is natural, it vibrates and a satisfying and rewarding, an uplifting frequency. It’s a bench mark, an anchor, a level surface. It is where I like to be. It is where we all like to be.

Circumstance, conflicting agendas, complex human chemistry and interactions can easily push us off course, however. It is easy to get confused, become misguided. I find that by spending a large portion of my time alone, in my own counsel, allows me to avoid interference. Of course, it can’t (and shouldn’t be) avoided altogether but if you can sift through what’s presented to you and try and filter out what serves your higher purpose as much as possible - that is what you should do.

I write these thoughts, freely and without edit or censorship. I aim to express what is present as clearly and meaningfully as possible. It is rewarding for me - to write and also to re-read later, but I also do it in the hope that it will be of value to others. I do not do it for attention, praise, financial reward or any reason other than a simple and pure need and desire to express my own truth.

We all love truth. We all need truth. We also need each other. This is my way of connecting. My way of sharing. I may be a bit of an island much of the time - but I am not that far off shore to be inaccessible to mainlanders.  One of my pleasures is to return to the mainland or visit other islands and recount my solo adventures, real and imagined.

I know there are many who spend much of their time and energy on their own islands - sentient beings just like me who try and make sense of existence and deal with it in their own unique way. We are a quirky bunch, stubborn, irrational at times but our hearts are in the right place. We probably suffer more than should but what choice do we have but to follow our destinies, the paths laid out in front of us. Sound familiar? Yes, I’m talking about you. We’re the same. Similar, anyway.

And even though that does not really bring big comfort - it does make a difference. We are alone but united in our lyrical aloneness. We are harmonious notes of the same concerto.

Don’t stress, I tell myself. But fucking things keep coming at me that challenge my chill. There is no escape. But what you can do is stay true. Whatever happens. Be you.
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The Lifetime Survivor’s Club

10/12/2017

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Sometimes I burst out in tears
Life breaks me
I’m a big enough man to admit that

My vulnerability
Does not limit me

It unburdens
Like a release valve
A restorative soul salve

It seems

I have a susceptibility to suffering
Sensitivity to constriction
An aversion to tradition amplified by
A predilection to co-dependency and addiction

It’s never ending
Bending over black words
Blue moods
Frayed nerves
Feeling disturbed
Solemn, submerged
Sort of like slowly
Sinking
Slow burning

Too much thinking
Excessive entanglements
Periodic heavy drinking
Anything to escape, suppress
The murkiness, the mess
That surrounds me
Almost drowns me

Only so many metaphors
For depression

Not an easy lesson
Try not to stab myself with the biro
Not to sink below minus zero
Cold appeasement
Self withdrawal
Better treatment
An overhaul

It may sound like I’m being dramatic
Making it sound harsh and tragic
But this is no exaggeration

Yet neither am I an aberration
It gets us all
It just feels like I feel it more than many

Often and intensely
A darkness with density
A hereditary propensity
To spiral

Continually recovering
From some weird new affliction

Self discovery
Through trial and error

Over time
Acclimatised
To some degree
To this world
In all it’s melancholic splendour

An venerable
If temporary
Member
Of the Lifetime Survivor’s Club

Sharing the dubious honour
Of upholding and abiding by

The valour of surrender



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Dear Me

5/11/2016

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 I come here to learn about myself.

Like many of the things I do in life - there is no preconception. I just begin along a new path and follow it to where it leads. 

I was thinking about this just today. About how, by standard conventional standards (SCSes), I have fallen somewhat behind on the scale.

Do I have a home to call my own?
Do I have a spouse?
Is there someone I can call when I am down?
Do I have children? Grandchildren?
Do I have a career?
Have I achieved anything major, notable?
Do I have a stable work position?
Do I receive a steady salary, have financial security?

No, no, no, no and no. All no.

Does any of this worry me?

Not much. Occasionally, it does. But never for too long. And less and less. 

I realise I have lasted this long playing in the wild scrub, beyond the manicured playing field. Out of the limelight, never lined up in a queue, rarely filling in forms or signing documents, hardly ever getting mail or ever phone calls.

It's obvious that this is how I prefer it. 
I prefer to be somewhat removed.
I follow and flow with rhythms of my own conjuring.
I like silence. 
I like sleeping, dreaming.
I like letting time flow at it's own pace.
I like not having to do anything - instead being able to read, walk on the beach, or sit in a cafe writing lyrics or a new poem.

Sounds like I could be anti-social. But I'm not. When I am around people I really enjoy their company and their personalities. I have plenty of friends: good hearted, excellent beings I am proud to know and associate with. It's just I don't actively seek forced or extended social interplay like work environments, dinner parties, events. Give me some one on one time at a cafe with a friend, old or new, or an evening at a poker tournament with a wild mix of mild and extreme individuals, where you can join the irreverent banter or retreat into your personal space at any time. In fact, yeah, at the poker table I am very comfortable. You're not judged for anything other that your playing skills. It's one of the most accepting and interesting social interplays I know. You just be you and play your game.

I almost deleted this post because I felt I was talking about myself too much. And I don't like that. I'm not like that as a person. Got no tickets on myself. I would much rather hear someone else's stories than harp on about my own. I've always figured - I already know my shit - why use up precious time with another being bending their ear. Listen, boy! Learn! Empathise! Understand!

I've been called a good listener by many. And I respect and honour personal details that may be shared. I know how while we are, in many ways, a most robust species, we are also highly sensitive and vulnerable. If someone shares something with me in confidence, it never leaves the vault. 

So what makes me compelled, here, in this forum to froth off at the mouth like I am. Why am I opening up? And to who? What's the motivation, intention?

I'll tell you. 

I've reached a stage in my life where I fully realise the impermanence of existence. The mortality of the individual being. As well, the paradoxical nature of one's personality, one's life choices, one's destiny. It was always going to be what it is. But how did it happen? What were the stages along the way? The signs? The thought processes? The motivations? 

When someone shares their truth with others, it illuminates.

It resonates, provides options, invites consideration. 

I share my stuff here because, I get a lot out of reading the truth of others - in autobiographies, mostly. But, of course, also in personal stories told across a table, in a tent, on a haystack, or flying in a bucket seat in a sliver cigar.

One of the true beauties of ageing is the shedding of layers. The lack of need to impress. The seeing through the veils of presented images to the core nature. We are fucking amazing beings. There's no time to waste with ego-based surface garage. Once you reach a certain age it becomes all too apparent. And it's a relief. Life, where it was once all about  you, is no longer. It's about everyone. The bigger picture. You start to feel the joy of just being connected. Just being alive. Some habits, predilections, tendencies still shout or murmur in your ear, as the case may be, but you are not as compelled to acquiesce so easily. You have done it. You have done it - over and over. You've been trampling around, bumping into things and making messes for DECADES now. Some lessons have finally gotten through. We DO evolve. We do become wiser. Not much, but some. And wisdom is worth sharing. Can't hurt. At the very least it may amuse. And that's OK, too. 

Even the hint of smile on the face of just one person, one reader, makes writing this free style riffing rant worthwhile. I'm not doing it for me. I'm doing it for you.

OK, maybe a bit for me, too. But just cause I have to - no, just cause I don't have to. We can do what we want. It's not that serious.




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Note To Self

7/9/2016

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Note to self:
Less distress
More mirth
Everything is OK
It could be worse
It has been worse
You've got this far
Survived this long
You may be fatigued
Slightly compromised 
At the moment
But you are actually strong
Don't forget it
You belong, you belong


Note to self:
It's fair enough to fantasise 
And wonder 'oh, what if'
Cause plain reality - as well we know -  is overrated
And sustained happiness is a myth


Note to self:
Take the pressure off
Lower your expectations
Become content with just enough
Anchor your ambitions
Get used to it being challenging
Endure when it's tough


Note to self:
Adjust your needs
To accommodate what is available
Consider yourself fortuitous
If you are fit and able
To rise to the requirements 
To withstand the daily struggles


Note to self:
It's OK
You are unprepared 
Everyone is
You are not going to be able to always 'bring it'
More often than not you just gotta 'wing it'
That's just how it works
In your face
Destiny twerks 
And blurts with laughter
As it serves you up a fresh plate of defeat
And potential disaster


Note to self:
You are beginning now to understand
The level of acclimation
That life demands
You've gotta be part saint/ part sinner
Sometime royalty but most often serf
A seasoned loser, surprising winner
For what it's worth
As cozy chugging vodka as sipping tea
An angel, a dolphin, a slave or a monster
Be able to change
At the drop of a hat
Your hat
In the river


Don't cry - just
Watch it float away
Watch it float away


And whisper to self:
It's OK, it's OK
I've been here before
I've endured much worse
It's OK, it's OK
Just another day
On planet Craycray 


Note to self:
It’s OK, it’s OK






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second nature

14/5/2016

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To be honest, I don't feel the need to say anything a lot of the time. There is so much out there, so much already said, so much chatter, so much wonderful, lucid, erudite pontification on every conceivable subject, I think: why bother? Why take up the airspace, the time and energy - of my own and of the reader(s)(perchance there is more than one) when it could be spent more rewardingly. 

Let's say you are sitting in an alcove, outside a closed bakery, playing your recorder. Let's imagine you are fooling around with some new sounds and sequences, at the early stages of composing a new tune perhaps. Let's imagine that you are taking your time, enjoying yourself. Maybe there's a hat there, in front of you with a few coins in. Or maybe not. Anyway, next thing you know a fully fledged marching band comes around the corner and heads up the street you are on. They are practiced and co-ordinated, they fill the air with their syncopated music.

Are you still going to sit there, squeezing out your squeaky little song? No one can hear you - but that isn't really the point... You can no longer really hear yourself. It is definitely not so enjoyable anymore. Why bother, right? Why compete. You put your shiny stick with holes into it's elongated, purple velvet, draw string sack and move on. You might stay a moment and watch and hear the spectacle with everyone else - or maybe not - it's really not your thing.

You walk to the edge of town. Into the trees. You wander. You come across a stream. It is calming. You sit on a nearby rock, dangle your feet in the soothing water. Rays of sunshine penetrate the canopy, glisten in the water. Nature surrounds you. You inhabit it and, for a time, are one with it. 
You consider pulling out your recorder again and having a play. But somehow it seems superfluous. You are encompassed in a serene perfection. Just being there is enough. Time passes.

You get up, walk some more, absorb the gentle, glorious nature. You feel calm and content. 

Eventually, it is time to leave, to head back home. You walk out of the bush, back to civilisation. Then, you remember. You don't have a home. You are homeless. You grab a cardboard box on the way back to the alcove. It is starting to get dark, people are scarce, there's a chill in the air. You take your seat on the door step, bum on the cardboard. It's going to be a long night. You take out your recorder slowly, thoughtfully. You begin to play. It sounds lovely.
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golden years

30/10/2015

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I was talking to a couple of guys last night at poker. I've met them before and know their names, but I don't know much else about them. Turns out that one of them is a year older than me and one of them a year younger; 53 and 55.

In between calling bets, folding and raising we mumbled a comment each about 'getting on a bit':

"Time is no longer unlimited. It makes for greater focus."

"I've been through a lot, survived all kinds of situations. I don't worry about little things anymore."

"It's not too bad. I preferred being younger."

I think one of these was really said. I just made up the other two. No one really talks about anything meaningful at a poker table. We're all trying to win the hand. If nothing else, it is a game that demands concentration (for optimum play).

But what of getting older? Hitting the mid fifties?

It is a surprise somedays, to look in the mirror at myself and notice that my face and head have aged. Of course, I know that decades have passed since I was young. I was there. But at the same time, it doesn't feel like that long. 

If I was to still look 35 or even 40, I would not find it discomforting or strange. It's as though the ageing of the body kind of rushes on ahead, on it's own volition, at a certain point and then calls out to you, 'Hey look! This is you! You've got grey! You've got wrinkles now! Less hair - on the head - and more inside the ears!'

Acceptance is the only option, of course. A cynical surrender. A dissassociative shrug.

On the inside remains the sterling will, the sharp focus, the tuned awareness. In fact, over time, some of the internal mechanisms have actually improved. Experience is the greatest of teachers. Lessons have been learnt. Dues paid. 

And then you start to consider people who you have know or have met or interacted with over the last while who are in their sixties and seventies. You don't feel quite as distanced from them anymore. You understand the slight slowing down, the laid back attitude, the inner quiet that some possess.

You realise that you are on the verge of joining a new club. You are also on the verge of leaving an old one. Younger people aren't seeing you as one of them any more. They haven't for a while probably. But you are noticing it more. It's fine, it's alright, because you have been in the club for long enough. It's activities don't interest or inspire like they used to. You are seeking something different. Something with new rewards. 

It is not all about more, more, more anymore. It is not about being as extreme as possible. It is not about affectation. It is not about talking up your game, seeking attention.

There is no time for these things. Time has become more precious. You want to fill it with things of true value. Things that are meaningful and enduring. 

If you really think about it, you realise that it is all laid out for you. The process. The sequence of a life. It has been done by all before and will be done by all after. Your perception shifts in an age-appropriate way. In a sense, there is no option. You realise the limits of being. But you also realise the miraculous wonder and grace and beauty of it all. You realise that you are only a tiny player in a massive game. You, in truth, are of little consequence. You will, whether you like it or not, be leaving before too long. It may still be a few decades off but what's a few decades? Weren't you just 35 yesterday?

And time goes faster, too. That you can attest to. Days whiz by. A year isn't long. This has it's benefits, too, though. You know that you can plan things in advance, work towards things and that the future will bring reward if you do. You have seen how things work. You have made the mistakes. And you have learnt.

So, it seems, a life is just that. It is something to experience. A complex, intricate sequence of events that connect together in the form of days lived and things done. All the emotions generated and spent, all the people that have come and gone, the places visited, the experiences lived through. All that. And what? Here you sit writing about it all, and it's as though it was just a story. There is no proof. No one else cares, not really. It has all amounted to nothing - in some ways. And yet - there are feelings of, I don't know, accomplishment, achievement, value, dignity, honour, amusement, bewilderment, satisfaction, acceptance....

It's like... OK. Hmmm... OK. Let's just keep going, then. I kind of get the idea now. I'm past the middle, heading into the third act. I still have some options. I shouldn't waste them (like I have in the past) (as you do). 

I have become someone. I have an identity. A past. I can work with it. There is a level of comfort, familiarity. I know what works and what doesn't. I'm going to gather up what remains available to me, take a clear and honest look at my current position and situation and see what I can do to create something interesting, something of worth. 

Yeah, I'm still here. I'm going to give it a shot. See if I can't surprise myself, outdo myself, extend myself beyond limitations set in the past. If this is me now, who is the me that I am going to be in ten years from now? Who do I want that to be? Pretty sure no one else is going to make it happen. I'm going to step up. Yeah, I'm going to really start living. Not the kind of living you do when you are young and it's all presented to you, tank full and no limits. No, a new kind of living. Decidedly different. A take-control but let-it-go kind of thing. A new awareness. A new care. A new gratitude. And with all that - a new chance to fully discover and perhaps even become one's truest, true self.

​Sounds like a plan.

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Retreat

24/5/2015

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I saw that word today and for some reason it struck a chord and  I began to ponder on it.

I have never been on a retreat. I still may, if the opportunity were to arise and feel right, but who knows. I am not partial to schedules - especially those that involve early mornings. I also don't like being expected to participate in things that I don't wish to. I was a stubborn child and strongly resented having to go to school and all it's brutish, senseless demands.

And yet, one day, I may get over it.

Or maybe never.

This is not what I was thinking, though. What I was thinking was about how to go on a retreat is considered a positive, nurturing, possibly life-expanding experience. But not everyone has the luxury to do that. 

The other kind of retreat - and a more fundamental one - is the kind we do on our own. To retreat into ourselves.

It's a function that is a vital part of our mental and spiritual health, survival even.

Innately, we know when we need to pull back, hide away, spend time alone, gather our thoughts, sit with our feelings.

We can do it with nature, with a book, with a movie, on a walk, a run, with music, in a bar, a library, on the couch, in bed.... wherever. 

Sometimes it is painful, sometimes with tears, sadness, hurt, sometimes confusion or anxiety.

But we go away, pull ourselves out... and somehow, with time and patience, come out the other end, ready again to face the world.

To retreat is important - a good thing. It is a mechanism for dealing with the 'too-much-nes' that comes along sometimes.

Is it not in the moments of retreat that we truly get to know ourselves?

We spend time, we contemplate, we mull things over, we let feelings wash over us, moods blow over, thoughts gather themselves and find some order.

In times of retreat, we are being brave. Brave in a quiet, necessary way. Brave in a very basic human way.

We know who we are, each of us. The world only knows a version. Everyone knows a different version, in fact, based upon their interpretation and connection. 

But we know ourselves. We've been with us from the beginning! And all the way through. How lucky we are to have our higher selves watching over us and protecting our best interests. How lucky we are that we can retreat.

Cause inside us, inside each of us, that's where the real treasures are. When you can accept yourself, see yourself clearly and begin to inhabit your soulful side, beyond the pain and anguish, letting go of the bothersome, old beliefs from the past, when you can sit with yourself in surrender, well, that is something softly, subtly, rather splendid.
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Let's Do That

11/4/2015

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After a long hard nothing 
Into something
I have become someone
Extremely familiar
To myself
I must be true

Because, because
This journey
This odyssey
This long, long sequence
Of events
This outrageous collection
Of incidents and occurrences
Begs for meaning
And validation

And who else
Who other
Than the instigator
The actor
The inhabitant
The perpetrator

Who better

To strive
To find
To define
To mould

Some kind of sensical 
Credible
Enriching
Uplifting

Form
Story

Historic recounting
Present portraying
Future formulating

Who better

Than self

To do that
Feels like
What I should do

At this point
In the evolution
Of another everyman
A unique genetic and circumstantial  
Concoction

Have I not struggled
Most of my life
In one way or another
To make it here

Is that not something 
Worth breath
And voice
And exploration
And extrapolation

Isn't now the time
The only time
There is

If I have thought it
And I write it
Will it not be true

For true
Is what I seek
And salvation
And liberation

And to be understood
Or not

But at least
To know in my heart
That all the love 
I have known and shared
Has not been for nought

All the tears cried
And the blood split
And the hells faced

Not for nought

For something
From nothing
Is something

And that something 
Is a life

A life worth acknowledging
Honouring
Humbly considering
As valuable
With value
Of value
Value

Just another word

Yes

But for the poet

Words
Have meaning 
Tremendous

Words can change
Words can transcend

The tyranny of suffering in silence

Words can connect
Connect with other souls

Your soul

This is a poem about you
About you, too

We are talking about 
Just how beautiful
You are
You are

Eternal

All of us

Quite the same
In that regard

Let's laugh!

And laugh
And fall in a heap
And forget
Our worries

Just for a while

Let's do that
Let's do that

And call it poetry
Call it living

Because it is


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hidden treasures

5/4/2015

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There's a lot of implied pressure and expectations these days from mainstream society to be ambitious, aggressively proactive in pursuit of career and financial success. It has always been present, growing since the eighties, but with the massive increase of numbers of strivers, step-uppers and wanna-be-famousers it has become even more competitive out there in every field. It is a way that many people, in fact, measure their self worth.

The downside of this is that for every winner there are many losers. As well, the make-it-at-any-cost attitude does no favours for the moral integrity of the game players. Egos battle, feelings are disregarded, the non-achievers are scoffed at and relegated to the fringes. The whole game is one that gives massive financial rewards to the top of the pyramid and a pittance to the bottom. Obviously, it is not fair. In fact, it is blatantly unhealthy and unethical. 

There are other options to partaking in this ruthless hunger for gold, however. There are other ways. Better ways. It means first seeing beyond the noxious and infectious fumes of capitalism and materialism. It requires one to see the big picture, ponder on the finer points of existence and choose an alternative that is uniquely suited. The choices are vast, though, in some cases they may require some contemplation, as well as a pinch of courage, a glint of resolve.

It all begins with you. Who are you? What do you believe in? What are your natural instincts, passions?

By listening to yourself, your inner voice and paying it heed, you will start to find your direction. Ignore the calls and shouts of the outside world - family, school, the media - this is a very personal thing and the answers come from within your self.

Whatever you choose to pursue - and you can chop and change as you feel the need - or pursue multiple paths at once - do so with commitment and integrity. If what you are doing makes you happy, feel valuable, feel worthy, feel empowered - then you are on the right path.

I don't know why I have started to sound like a self help book. So, I'll curb it. I guess, though, what I am trying to say is that there are unlimited options - helping your grandmother, kayaking, salsa dancing, sewing, cooking, volunteering, spontaneous travel - and that they exist across a wide spectrum. One needs to not be narrow minded. One needs to question. To seek answers. To acknowledge one's own internal struggle and not look away. Stay with it. Stay with yourself. Invest in yourself.

Oh, no. Self help book lingo returns. Ich! Sorry.

I suppose I am speaking to the young. I am trying to encourage the rewarding journey of self creation. Climbing walls and peeking over. Going too far sometimes. Getting lost. Feeling the pain of existence. 

A lot of the best things in life are not written about in magazines. Or online. They are secret treasures. They are precious and personal. They are yours to seek and discover. There is no map. You need to trust. You need to keep searching - for that thing - that thing! - the whatever it is that only you know.... 

Reality is only limited by your imagination. And your imagination knows no bounds.
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    ART GETS ME HIGH

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    Author & Artist

    Lewie JPD 
    Blog Mission Statement: 

    "I am taking this opportunity to openly and freely express my simple truth in a relaxed, stream of consciousness manner, without self judgment or editing while transcribing and celebrating the process and practice of being an artist.

    My goal is that I will have some fun recording sentiments and thoughts as they come to me, coupled with my recent imagery. As well; to learn something of value and share something that may inspire/offer insight to other artists, creatives and sentient beings."


    Disclaimer: He's high!
    Er, obviously.

    Pass the paint brush!
    *no drugs required

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