So, why bother? Well, good question. Why bother, why take up the time, the space? Because.... I am compelled. As an artist I am compelled to not only study and absorb as much as I can about others (especially interesting characters), but I also turn my dissecting, analytical gaze upon myself. And why not? I have full access. (Or think I do.)
It's not an ego thing, believe me. My ego - though at times certainly robust - especially around the 30's - is no longer a driving force or even a major consideration in my daily existence. It has been beat out of me. Life has battered it down, thrown it around and crushed it enough times now that it nows that it best just lie there and chill the fuck out.
These days I run on other juice. Higher plane stuff. Not lofty - hyper spiritual, dogmatic, superior or religious - just humble, glad to still be around, the simple things in life are the best, nature and children are delightful, I hope I can get through today without stress kinda existence. Many of you will relate, I am sure. Life teaches us all the same lessons. We just learn at different rates.
So these conversations with myself are something that we all do. I have just chosen to record some of mine. For amusement, research, prosperity's sake. I don't have a bank account to save money in, so I write a blog. It's a different kind of value. Someone expressing their truth. Someone connecting human to human without expecting anything in return. Someone expressing their limitations, their insecurities, their imperfections, their mundanity, their loneliness, their vulnerability along with their dreams and aspirations, their curiosity, their passion for play, for freedom, for truth.
What I always wanted, really wanted from late teens on was to break through, to transcend normal boundaries of consciousness, to access the pure stuff, the essence. I had a thirst for knowledge and experience that was unquenchable. I listened to, read, watched any and every bit of other creator's outputs that I could access. What were they saying? Had they been able to go further? And how? I was inspired by some books, some records, some movies. They possessed elements that were juicy, inspiring, dark, moving, strange, unique. Each was a piece of a giant puzzle. A puzzle way too large to even contemplate putting together. Still, I collected the pieces in a ferocious frenzy. And in the meantime, I lived out the daily drama of my life. I tried to keep it simple but life is never simple. And in retrospect, I am glad. I learnt most from the the gnarliest encounters. I grew most when it hurt.
Now, I can see the bigger picture. I have placed many of the pieces into position. Of course, I am still collecting. Everyday, in fact. But there are not as many pieces available. There are some gaps in the picture that I know should be filled but I cannot access or find the pieces. I have an inkling, though, of what I am looking for. And more to the point, I am happy to finally be assembling something, something that makes some kind of sense. At least to me. Perhaps only to me.
I won't try to describe it. In fact, I can't. Not yet. But I can create little pieces. Pieces of my own. My artworks, my daily comics, these blog entries. One day, they can be added to the bigger puzzle. They will fill in the final blanks. And then the picture will be complete.
That's a while off yet. I know because I can see how much needs to be done. And knowing that I have to do - that I have a mission to create pieces of juicy, dark, inspiring, strange, moving and unique pieces - not only to complete my own picture but to help fill in gaps in those of the new seekers, other foragers, hungry freaks - to now know that things are coming full circle brings me great relief and satisfaction. I am a part of something. Something weirdly wonderful.
Hang on. Have I just been talking to myself?