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Whatcouldabeen Wonderful

10/6/2018

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​I'll be honest. 
I thought it would get easier.
I thought my life would lead somewhere, I don't know - grander, more bountiful, more integrated, more rewarding.

I haven't given up. I still may get there. Things still may turn out how I envisaged. 
I do have doubts, though. 
But doubts are nothing new. Doubts are like flies, mosquitoes. Everyone gets bugged by them. And everyone hates them.
You try and flick them off, squash them if you can but still, you carry on with what you are doing.
Annoying, though. 

My doubts I can deal with.
What I am attempting to come to terms with is the balance between being grateful for what I have and acknowledging my yearning for better things.
I accept myself as a person. I am comfortable in my skin. By no means has it been an easy entity to inhabit but I have endured and learnt to make the best of things.
Beneath my outwardly chilled demeanour there is a churning intensity. Much of my time and energy is spent attempting to channel it in positive ways, subdue it, make friends with it.
Over the decades I have struggled with anxiety and depression, addictions, weight fluctuations, close to the edge  life-threatening experiences.

I share this because it is the truth and I feel no need to hide anything. I know that many, if not all, experience some, most, all or even more of these things. We usually just shut up about them and endure. 
I feel lucky that I have found my way through to this point and can be open about it.
My storyline, in most respects, is not particularly unusual.
I can say that as someone who has always been sensitive, perhaps overly so, and hyper sentient (I can't turn it off), that were it not for the release and understanding, integration that has come from my various forms of creative expression - I would not have been able to endure. 
So, I ask myself, still, and often: What is the point?

Is it just about surviving?
What is 'making it'? 
When will satisfaction, peace finally come? 

It's a rigged game. 
The challenges, demands, the things that get you - they never stop coming.
Work out one thing and two more pop up.
There is no retirement from life. It's work, work, work until the last breath.
And we kind of fear death, at least prefer to stay alive - even if and when it feels like shit - because of the finality and incomprehensibility of death.
It lurks, taunts us sometimes. Even beckons on occasion. 
But our instincts are strong. We must continue. We must carry on.

Looking back, it makes sense how I got here. If I look at the steps, factor in the choices, the circumstance, the paths taken, the random, the coincidental - it all makes sense in retrospect.
But when we are younger - when we are formulating our dreams, envisioning our futures - we cannot know what lies ahead. We construct our ideals from the concepts at our desposal at the time.
And then, over the years, things happen - maybe from our own doing, but also from pure chance, due to others, or just because they do.
We adapt, we carry on.
We thought we knew where we were going but there are so many unexpected twists and turns, dead ends and surprise peaks that must be scaled that we become a little flabbergasted, weary. 

And all along, time slowly ticks away. Suddenly, years have passed, then decades. We are shocked to see in the mirror a reflection not of our hopeful, idealistic spirits but of weathered and battle scarred veterans. Any of us who are not suffering from or who have suffered some form of psyche PTSD is lucky and amongst the very few.

The world being in the state it is at the moment with the good people, the average population being hoodwinked and bullied by unscrupulous, selfish politicians and their greedy, morally vapid money and power accumulating cronies in big business doesn't help. We are oppressed, make no mistake about it. We are being twisted into submission through rules and laws and agendas set by the gang at the top calling all the shots, serving only themselves. There is still goodness and kindness but it is only to be found at ground level. The current set of people in power have little care for the well being of others. We're forced to struggle to survive on little or noting in a game rigged in favour of the elite.

So, the system is doing us no favours. We're becoming fragmented, frazzled, distracted. No easy paths to leading a simple, uncomplicated, pure lifestyle. And it's only going to get faster and thicker. 

I have no answers. I just take each day as it comes, wade through the swirling, pungent swamp of uncomfortable demands and try to find a tree branch to hold onto or a tiny patch of shore to crawl on and lay down for a minute, to snatch a brief day dream of how I thought it might have turned out or how I wish it would, knowing that any minute a storm will hit, the marsh men will shake me from my slumber and move me along, a gator will appear... something, something not to my liking will poke or prod me, bite or scratch me and force me to unwillingly get back in to the pit and carry on with the struggle.

Bleak?

A little. But not far off how it feels more often that not these days. Is it just me? Or does it feel unduly tough being a human these days?

Like I said, and I'm being honest - not what I expected.
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Be You

17/12/2017

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One of the most important things to me is to be true to myself.

Being a person is not an easy task under any circumstances, not for anyone.

We all have our own ways of dealing with life’s demands.

Bottom line is: whatever works for you.

There are always complications - as we know - and sometimes things that work, stop working. So you have to find, manufacture, adopt, invent new strategies.

That being said there are a few things that can remain in your arsenal that will always serve you.

For me one of these is to always strive to know what is going on - not to always control because that is not possible - but at least to have a good sense of where my head space is and what I think and feel about situations. Basically, to listen to my intuition, my inner wisdom and let it guide me.

This doesn’t always work, of course, and various times I have gone astray, way off track. Sometimes for years at a time. In retrospect - once I have crawled out of whatever deep, deep hole I have dug myself into - I can work out where I made the wrong turns and how I can avoid the same mistakes in the future.

A few times I have gotten so far off the track that I was lucky to make it back alive.

But such is life.

In these times I have remained true to myself but have let certain aspects become hazy, misguided, misleading.

In effect, I have slowly lead myself astray or, on some occasions, allowed myself be lead astray.

I don’t know why - it’s a gradual thing usually. Like the frog in water that gets increasingly hotter over time - too subtle to notice till it’s almost too late.

Every time I have got myself into some kind of bad place - usually either in a relationship, through substance addiction or over indulgence or through lack of sound judgement, I have had to wake up to myself and begin the long and arduous process of reversing things, turning things around through change of habits, systematic re-evaluations and reconstruction of processes. In layman’s terms: ‘Getting my fucking act together!’

This is usually difficult in the beginning but becomes increasingly easier as the efforts begin to pay off and improvements become apparent.

Looking back now my usual trigger are emotional upset, depression, boredom, loss of direction or plain old simple self delusion. Sometimes they come from an event or series of events but not always.

I have recently surmised that the best defense is prevention. Heed the early signs of decline and intervene. Easier said than done - but henceforth I vow to be increasingly vigilant - cause after a full year of recovery and disciplined self improvement - and having reached a healthy and acceptable place and energy - I realise that extreme ups and downs take their toll on the psyche and I do not wish to slip again.

Even as these ‘bad’ phases were happening, I was still aware of making the best of situations, circumstances. I am not someone who knowingly self sabotages or makes things harder for myself on purpose. This is good - but in some ways, when I am on a descending arc, it is harder to identify. ‘Things are OK’, I will tell myself. But they aren’t.

You need to be heading in the right direction in the bigger picture of things. You need purpose, self improvement though disciplined efforts, a positive vision for your future, something to work on that is rewarding and nourishing. You need to feel useful and, if possible, loved.

As someone who spends a substantial amount of time each day thinking about things, assessing, pondering, considering - when I am writing poems or stories, or cooking up new projects, working on new creative ideas or planning my life flow - I also pay attention to my impulsive thoughts and reactions to situations and my feelings about what is occurring. Watching myself be myself. Wheels within wheels. This is something I am comfortable with and have been doing for a long time. Some may say I think too much and maybe I do. But that’s just who I am. It has it’s advantages and disadvantages. I am definitely my own boss in the mind department and allow myself free rein and a lot of slack. I am not fearful and often really enjoy just going where my mind takes me. Like an adventurer. I know the pitfalls, the dangers. I have gotten lost, gone too far before and I am wary. But I do believe that I am also capable and experienced in mind journeys and confident in my abilities. Like those guys who free climb those giant peaks.

I am not showing off. It’s nothing to show off about, really. Everybody is good at some thing(s). This is one of my things.

The point I began with, though, is about veracity, authenticity. I do not like lies, untruths, misrepresentations. They cloud things, they confuse, they create fog - which leads to missteps and accidents. Truth is harmonious, it is natural, it vibrates and a satisfying and rewarding, an uplifting frequency. It’s a bench mark, an anchor, a level surface. It is where I like to be. It is where we all like to be.

Circumstance, conflicting agendas, complex human chemistry and interactions can easily push us off course, however. It is easy to get confused, become misguided. I find that by spending a large portion of my time alone, in my own counsel, allows me to avoid interference. Of course, it can’t (and shouldn’t be) avoided altogether but if you can sift through what’s presented to you and try and filter out what serves your higher purpose as much as possible - that is what you should do.

I write these thoughts, freely and without edit or censorship. I aim to express what is present as clearly and meaningfully as possible. It is rewarding for me - to write and also to re-read later, but I also do it in the hope that it will be of value to others. I do not do it for attention, praise, financial reward or any reason other than a simple and pure need and desire to express my own truth.

We all love truth. We all need truth. We also need each other. This is my way of connecting. My way of sharing. I may be a bit of an island much of the time - but I am not that far off shore to be inaccessible to mainlanders.  One of my pleasures is to return to the mainland or visit other islands and recount my solo adventures, real and imagined.

I know there are many who spend much of their time and energy on their own islands - sentient beings just like me who try and make sense of existence and deal with it in their own unique way. We are a quirky bunch, stubborn, irrational at times but our hearts are in the right place. We probably suffer more than should but what choice do we have but to follow our destinies, the paths laid out in front of us. Sound familiar? Yes, I’m talking about you. We’re the same. Similar, anyway.

And even though that does not really bring big comfort - it does make a difference. We are alone but united in our lyrical aloneness. We are harmonious notes of the same concerto.

Don’t stress, I tell myself. But fucking things keep coming at me that challenge my chill. There is no escape. But what you can do is stay true. Whatever happens. Be you.
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The Lifetime Survivor’s Club

10/12/2017

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Sometimes I burst out in tears
Life breaks me
I’m a big enough man to admit that

My vulnerability
Does not limit me

It unburdens
Like a release valve
A restorative soul salve

It seems

I have a susceptibility to suffering
Sensitivity to constriction
An aversion to tradition amplified by
A predilection to co-dependency and addiction

It’s never ending
Bending over black words
Blue moods
Frayed nerves
Feeling disturbed
Solemn, submerged
Sort of like slowly
Sinking
Slow burning

Too much thinking
Excessive entanglements
Periodic heavy drinking
Anything to escape, suppress
The murkiness, the mess
That surrounds me
Almost drowns me

Only so many metaphors
For depression

Not an easy lesson
Try not to stab myself with the biro
Not to sink below minus zero
Cold appeasement
Self withdrawal
Better treatment
An overhaul

It may sound like I’m being dramatic
Making it sound harsh and tragic
But this is no exaggeration

Yet neither am I an aberration
It gets us all
It just feels like I feel it more than many

Often and intensely
A darkness with density
A hereditary propensity
To spiral

Continually recovering
From some weird new affliction

Self discovery
Through trial and error

Over time
Acclimatised
To some degree
To this world
In all it’s melancholic splendour

An venerable
If temporary
Member
Of the Lifetime Survivor’s Club

Sharing the dubious honour
Of upholding and abiding by

The valour of surrender



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Dear Me

5/11/2016

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 I come here to learn about myself.

Like many of the things I do in life - there is no preconception. I just begin along a new path and follow it to where it leads. 

I was thinking about this just today. About how, by standard conventional standards (SCSes), I have fallen somewhat behind on the scale.

Do I have a home to call my own?
Do I have a spouse?
Is there someone I can call when I am down?
Do I have children? Grandchildren?
Do I have a career?
Have I achieved anything major, notable?
Do I have a stable work position?
Do I receive a steady salary, have financial security?

No, no, no, no and no. All no.

Does any of this worry me?

Not much. Occasionally, it does. But never for too long. And less and less. 

I realise I have lasted this long playing in the wild scrub, beyond the manicured playing field. Out of the limelight, never lined up in a queue, rarely filling in forms or signing documents, hardly ever getting mail or ever phone calls.

It's obvious that this is how I prefer it. 
I prefer to be somewhat removed.
I follow and flow with rhythms of my own conjuring.
I like silence. 
I like sleeping, dreaming.
I like letting time flow at it's own pace.
I like not having to do anything - instead being able to read, walk on the beach, or sit in a cafe writing lyrics or a new poem.

Sounds like I could be anti-social. But I'm not. When I am around people I really enjoy their company and their personalities. I have plenty of friends: good hearted, excellent beings I am proud to know and associate with. It's just I don't actively seek forced or extended social interplay like work environments, dinner parties, events. Give me some one on one time at a cafe with a friend, old or new, or an evening at a poker tournament with a wild mix of mild and extreme individuals, where you can join the irreverent banter or retreat into your personal space at any time. In fact, yeah, at the poker table I am very comfortable. You're not judged for anything other that your playing skills. It's one of the most accepting and interesting social interplays I know. You just be you and play your game.

I almost deleted this post because I felt I was talking about myself too much. And I don't like that. I'm not like that as a person. Got no tickets on myself. I would much rather hear someone else's stories than harp on about my own. I've always figured - I already know my shit - why use up precious time with another being bending their ear. Listen, boy! Learn! Empathise! Understand!

I've been called a good listener by many. And I respect and honour personal details that may be shared. I know how while we are, in many ways, a most robust species, we are also highly sensitive and vulnerable. If someone shares something with me in confidence, it never leaves the vault. 

So what makes me compelled, here, in this forum to froth off at the mouth like I am. Why am I opening up? And to who? What's the motivation, intention?

I'll tell you. 

I've reached a stage in my life where I fully realise the impermanence of existence. The mortality of the individual being. As well, the paradoxical nature of one's personality, one's life choices, one's destiny. It was always going to be what it is. But how did it happen? What were the stages along the way? The signs? The thought processes? The motivations? 

When someone shares their truth with others, it illuminates.

It resonates, provides options, invites consideration. 

I share my stuff here because, I get a lot out of reading the truth of others - in autobiographies, mostly. But, of course, also in personal stories told across a table, in a tent, on a haystack, or flying in a bucket seat in a sliver cigar.

One of the true beauties of ageing is the shedding of layers. The lack of need to impress. The seeing through the veils of presented images to the core nature. We are fucking amazing beings. There's no time to waste with ego-based surface garage. Once you reach a certain age it becomes all too apparent. And it's a relief. Life, where it was once all about  you, is no longer. It's about everyone. The bigger picture. You start to feel the joy of just being connected. Just being alive. Some habits, predilections, tendencies still shout or murmur in your ear, as the case may be, but you are not as compelled to acquiesce so easily. You have done it. You have done it - over and over. You've been trampling around, bumping into things and making messes for DECADES now. Some lessons have finally gotten through. We DO evolve. We do become wiser. Not much, but some. And wisdom is worth sharing. Can't hurt. At the very least it may amuse. And that's OK, too. 

Even the hint of smile on the face of just one person, one reader, makes writing this free style riffing rant worthwhile. I'm not doing it for me. I'm doing it for you.

OK, maybe a bit for me, too. But just cause I have to - no, just cause I don't have to. We can do what we want. It's not that serious.




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Parameter Buster

6/6/2016

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You ever listen to a crazy guy
On the street corner
For a while longer than you normally would
Because maybe he has something worthwhile
Maybe there is a gem in there
A diamond amongst the rubble
A tiny missing piece of the jigsaw
The one that's been giving you trouble

You are hyper aware
With super sentientience to spare
Attune, you can zoom in
To what is going on around you
Even though you zone out a lot of the time
Because essentially convention bores you

You used to like to sit still like a Buddha
In busy urban places
Bustling with people 
Gaze at the passing faces
As they traversed in multidirections 
Feeling awash by humanities magificence
Was one of your favoured predilections
It gave you a charge
Made you feel trippy 
You did it in Tokyo
You did it in New York and LA
You did it in Kings Cross, Sydney
And sometimes still now in Mullumbimby
But you wouldn't call that busy

You used to be thrilled and delighted
More often
Appetites extreme, immense
Unlimited confidence
Adventures bold
Romances intense
At times, it should be mentioned
You were stifled by depression, 
Melancholia, anxiety
Yeah, you got attacks
But you sought assistance 
And it helped
That, and yoga, and swimming laps
Rebalanced you
Got you back on track

One thing you know for certain
For damn sure
Is that you experience life
Deeply, acutely
The good bits - that you love
And the bad bits, the nasty bits
Those hellish, horrible ruthless hits
You've faced them front on 
And survived
To fight another day in another way
Within this realm from which there is but one escape

Flicks of faith in a sceptic's flavour
Abandoned ideals
No longer wastefully waiting for your saviour
In this gritty realisation
This overwhelming drama dream
Certainly infinitely more complex than it initially seemed

More dire and demanding than ever expected
Don't always get what you've projected
New age optimism has felt the pinch
That new world outlook has a fallow tinge
But like that crazy guy said:
Everything would be sweet as shit
If I could just get out of my head

No clear idea what is coming next
Some days you wanna just stay in bed
But glad you did not today
Cause you wouldn't have met that parameter buster
And gained new insight, a brush with luster 
You wouldn't have been inspired to transcribe this verse
You wouldn't have progressed with the prescribed course
In coming to terms with what is, what is
And that - it seems - is what this is
A noble attempt to expound what is that is what it is
What it is, what is
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sometimes it gets you

22/11/2015

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It's all too hard to explain
I am a person and suffering is the name
Of the game, boy, the game
 
Whether it's with the crowd
In silence
Or noisy head solo
Again and again
 
It's all the same
 
There is no escaping
The anguish, the anger
The fear and
The pain
 
You wouldn't want to hear it
Cause it would scar you
Scare you
Leave you
In chains
 
Just as I am
​
Take me
Or leave me
Don't leave me
Again
Please
Don't ask me to tell you
It's all too hard to explain
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    ART GETS ME HIGH

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    Author & Artist

    Lewie JPD 
    Blog Mission Statement: 

    "I am taking this opportunity to openly and freely express my simple truth in a relaxed, stream of consciousness manner, without self judgment or editing while transcribing and celebrating the process and practice of being an artist.

    My goal is that I will have some fun recording sentiments and thoughts as they come to me, coupled with my recent imagery. As well; to learn something of value and share something that may inspire/offer insight to other artists, creatives and sentient beings."


    Disclaimer: He's high!
    Er, obviously.

    Pass the paint brush!
    *no drugs required

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