Like many of the things I do in life - there is no preconception. I just begin along a new path and follow it to where it leads.
I was thinking about this just today. About how, by standard conventional standards (SCSes), I have fallen somewhat behind on the scale.
Do I have a home to call my own?
Do I have a spouse?
Is there someone I can call when I am down?
Do I have children? Grandchildren?
Do I have a career?
Have I achieved anything major, notable?
Do I have a stable work position?
Do I receive a steady salary, have financial security?
No, no, no, no and no. All no.
Does any of this worry me?
Not much. Occasionally, it does. But never for too long. And less and less.
I realise I have lasted this long playing in the wild scrub, beyond the manicured playing field. Out of the limelight, never lined up in a queue, rarely filling in forms or signing documents, hardly ever getting mail or ever phone calls.
It's obvious that this is how I prefer it.
I prefer to be somewhat removed.
I follow and flow with rhythms of my own conjuring.
I like silence.
I like sleeping, dreaming.
I like letting time flow at it's own pace.
I like not having to do anything - instead being able to read, walk on the beach, or sit in a cafe writing lyrics or a new poem.
Sounds like I could be anti-social. But I'm not. When I am around people I really enjoy their company and their personalities. I have plenty of friends: good hearted, excellent beings I am proud to know and associate with. It's just I don't actively seek forced or extended social interplay like work environments, dinner parties, events. Give me some one on one time at a cafe with a friend, old or new, or an evening at a poker tournament with a wild mix of mild and extreme individuals, where you can join the irreverent banter or retreat into your personal space at any time. In fact, yeah, at the poker table I am very comfortable. You're not judged for anything other that your playing skills. It's one of the most accepting and interesting social interplays I know. You just be you and play your game.
I almost deleted this post because I felt I was talking about myself too much. And I don't like that. I'm not like that as a person. Got no tickets on myself. I would much rather hear someone else's stories than harp on about my own. I've always figured - I already know my shit - why use up precious time with another being bending their ear. Listen, boy! Learn! Empathise! Understand!
I've been called a good listener by many. And I respect and honour personal details that may be shared. I know how while we are, in many ways, a most robust species, we are also highly sensitive and vulnerable. If someone shares something with me in confidence, it never leaves the vault.
So what makes me compelled, here, in this forum to froth off at the mouth like I am. Why am I opening up? And to who? What's the motivation, intention?
I'll tell you.
I've reached a stage in my life where I fully realise the impermanence of existence. The mortality of the individual being. As well, the paradoxical nature of one's personality, one's life choices, one's destiny. It was always going to be what it is. But how did it happen? What were the stages along the way? The signs? The thought processes? The motivations?
When someone shares their truth with others, it illuminates.
It resonates, provides options, invites consideration.
I share my stuff here because, I get a lot out of reading the truth of others - in autobiographies, mostly. But, of course, also in personal stories told across a table, in a tent, on a haystack, or flying in a bucket seat in a sliver cigar.
One of the true beauties of ageing is the shedding of layers. The lack of need to impress. The seeing through the veils of presented images to the core nature. We are fucking amazing beings. There's no time to waste with ego-based surface garage. Once you reach a certain age it becomes all too apparent. And it's a relief. Life, where it was once all about you, is no longer. It's about everyone. The bigger picture. You start to feel the joy of just being connected. Just being alive. Some habits, predilections, tendencies still shout or murmur in your ear, as the case may be, but you are not as compelled to acquiesce so easily. You have done it. You have done it - over and over. You've been trampling around, bumping into things and making messes for DECADES now. Some lessons have finally gotten through. We DO evolve. We do become wiser. Not much, but some. And wisdom is worth sharing. Can't hurt. At the very least it may amuse. And that's OK, too.
Even the hint of smile on the face of just one person, one reader, makes writing this free style riffing rant worthwhile. I'm not doing it for me. I'm doing it for you.
OK, maybe a bit for me, too. But just cause I have to - no, just cause I don't have to. We can do what we want. It's not that serious.