I come here to learn about myself.

Like many of the things I do in life - there is no preconception. I just begin along a new path and follow it to where it leads. 

I was thinking about this just today. About how, by standard conventional standards (SCSes), I have fallen somewhat behind on the scale.

Do I have a home to call my own?
Do I have a spouse?
Is there someone I can call when I am down?
Do I have children? Grandchildren?
Do I have a career?
Have I achieved anything major, notable?
Do I have a stable work position?
Do I receive a steady salary, have financial security?

No, no, no, no and no. All no.

Does any of this worry me?

Not much. Occasionally, it does. But never for too long. And less and less. 

I realise I have lasted this long playing in the wild scrub, beyond the manicured playing field. Out of the limelight, never lined up in a queue, rarely filling in forms or signing documents, hardly ever getting mail or ever phone calls.

It's obvious that this is how I prefer it. 
I prefer to be somewhat removed.
I follow and flow with rhythms of my own conjuring.
I like silence. 
I like sleeping, dreaming.
I like letting time flow at it's own pace.
I like not having to do anything - instead being able to read, walk on the beach, or sit in a cafe writing lyrics or a new poem.

Sounds like I could be anti-social. But I'm not. When I am around people I really enjoy their company and their personalities. I have plenty of friends: good hearted, excellent beings I am proud to know and associate with. It's just I don't actively seek forced or extended social interplay like work environments, dinner parties, events. Give me some one on one time at a cafe with a friend, old or new, or an evening at a poker tournament with a wild mix of mild and extreme individuals, where you can join the irreverent banter or retreat into your personal space at any time. In fact, yeah, at the poker table I am very comfortable. You're not judged for anything other that your playing skills. It's one of the most accepting and interesting social interplays I know. You just be you and play your game.

I almost deleted this post because I felt I was talking about myself too much. And I don't like that. I'm not like that as a person. Got no tickets on myself. I would much rather hear someone else's stories than harp on about my own. I've always figured - I already know my shit - why use up precious time with another being bending their ear. Listen, boy! Learn! Empathise! Understand!

I've been called a good listener by many. And I respect and honour personal details that may be shared. I know how while we are, in many ways, a most robust species, we are also highly sensitive and vulnerable. If someone shares something with me in confidence, it never leaves the vault. 

So what makes me compelled, here, in this forum to froth off at the mouth like I am. Why am I opening up? And to who? What's the motivation, intention?

I'll tell you. 

I've reached a stage in my life where I fully realise the impermanence of existence. The mortality of the individual being. As well, the paradoxical nature of one's personality, one's life choices, one's destiny. It was always going to be what it is. But how did it happen? What were the stages along the way? The signs? The thought processes? The motivations? 

When someone shares their truth with others, it illuminates.

It resonates, provides options, invites consideration. 

I share my stuff here because, I get a lot out of reading the truth of others - in autobiographies, mostly. But, of course, also in personal stories told across a table, in a tent, on a haystack, or flying in a bucket seat in a sliver cigar.

One of the true beauties of ageing is the shedding of layers. The lack of need to impress. The seeing through the veils of presented images to the core nature. We are fucking amazing beings. There's no time to waste with ego-based surface garage. Once you reach a certain age it becomes all too apparent. And it's a relief. Life, where it was once all about  you, is no longer. It's about everyone. The bigger picture. You start to feel the joy of just being connected. Just being alive. Some habits, predilections, tendencies still shout or murmur in your ear, as the case may be, but you are not as compelled to acquiesce so easily. You have done it. You have done it - over and over. You've been trampling around, bumping into things and making messes for DECADES now. Some lessons have finally gotten through. We DO evolve. We do become wiser. Not much, but some. And wisdom is worth sharing. Can't hurt. At the very least it may amuse. And that's OK, too. 

Even the hint of smile on the face of just one person, one reader, makes writing this free style riffing rant worthwhile. I'm not doing it for me. I'm doing it for you.

OK, maybe a bit for me, too. But just cause I have to - no, just cause I don't have to. We can do what we want. It's not that serious.

​Lying in bed this morning, thinking...
 
I thought about these blog entries and how what I am essentially doing is uploading my brain. I deas and daydreams that aren't shared, committed to words, are essentially lost in the ether.
 
On the other hand, thoughts that I make the effort to write are on record. As well as having my regular existence, I am creating a mirror of my mind - or part thereof. Of course, it's actually just a small part, a tiny part - probably less than .1%. But even .1% is still so much more than zero.
 
Because, as humans, our existence is limited, we do things to stretch the energy of self, to expand ourselves and leave a legacy. These legacies originate from a real being but they, by nature, become something else. While still based on what exists, they often grow into something beyond their points of origin. 
 
If you think about actors - what they do is present personalities for consumption. The record of their existence is magnified, mythologised. Their faces, their energies, are captured and amplified into the imaginations of millions. Their worth, their content is based upon their presentations of human being-ness. They are role models in many ways for many, on how to be a person. They present options. They start out their careers as regular, everyday people. As they progress, improve, hone their craft, gain attention and popularity, they themselves expand, take on the added energy from the attention that is garnered on them and become 'larger than life.' Inside each of them resides the original model, but it gets deluged by all the focus and pressure and expectation from the public, fed by the media.
 
With writers it is different. It's not about them - it's about the stories in their minds. It's about transferring, giving shape to their imaginations and amplifying that. In many ways, as humans, we live in two realms: the real world and the imagined world. I find the interplay between these two to be fascinating. These days the two have a lot of crossover. It is not implausible that eventually the imagined world will overtake the real. For some it may have already started. The power of story, while it has always been powerful, has got new and amazing tools at it's disposal and is increasingly engaging. One can easily get lost in all the different types of imagination presentation out there. In some ways it dwarfs our individual lives. It's like a snowstorm, an avalanche of outside imagination coming at us. No harm done, in most cases, it's our collective. For people from my generation, we had plenty of time to formulate our own identities. We were based in a simple world. What was, was. The biggest thing out there was movies. And most people would see only one of those a week - at most. The rest of life was all interracting with reality. TV was there, too, but it was more like a distraction - not all encompassing. It was a snack in black and white. On a tiny, petulant, rounded edge screen. 
 
Back to my original point - in some ways - if you do not create some kind of digital record of your existence these days - then you won't exist beyond your actual years. But if you create stuff - you can live on - you can be expanded upon, amplified.
 
Most of us have our facebook indentities. They are simple personality extensions. Our online representatives. We communicate and connect with and through them. I have many relationships that, while they began in reality, have grown and expanded through facebook. Some people, like old school friends from Tokyo, I may never actually see again (because they live in other countries) but our ties live on. Some people that I am 'friends' with I have never actually even met! We connected though common interests (art, comics, etc) and share brief moments and support - and we feel like we know each other - but may never even meet. It's kind of amazing. Mostly because this is only the beginning of the trend. I am speaking of digital existence. When our lives are translated to binary code. 
 
We aren't there yet. And in some ways this is a pretty special time to be a human. We are on the verge of crossing over. You will experience it in your life time. Some will go willingly, others will resist - even till death. Either way, it doesn't matter. We are headed where we are headed. Resistance is futile. Embrace things and the ride is much smoother. This is a good general rule, anyway. I'm not saying don't stand up for what you believe. Not at all. That is a vital part of a good life. I am saying when letting go is the only option - recognise it and just let go.
 
I have decided to embrace this practice of recording my thoughts. I have deemed my life lead to this point worthy of inspection, assessment, representation, interpretation and documentation. I am not doing it for any personal gain. I am doing it for the same reason I do most things: to see where it leads, because I got the impulse and was nudged along by circumstance.
 
I remember when I first started these blogs three years ago. My first entries where cranky and directionless. I was a bit like a child wandering around the playground. Still am, but now I am familiar with the space and know how the rides work. Now I am calling in other kids off the street, shouting - come in, have some fun. Let's explore our identities, our perceptions, our tendencies together. Let's share information on who we are and how we work, join together in exploration, examination and discovery. Let's pick it apart and put it back together. See how it works. Let's, let's, let's!
 
Through communication comes connection. Through connection comes expansion. Through expansion comes liberation. And everyone wants to be free! Share your feeling and thoughts, find a format that suits you and write them down. Even just for the reward of getting them out of your head, it is worth it. Not to mention what others may learn and gain from your sharing. Come on! Calling all minds! It's the newest revolution and it's just beginning. Well, not really just beginning - it's been going for ages. Growing. It's growing. Come, pee on the dirt. Join us.
 
Oy, not on my shoes!