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Interrupted By Life

25/5/2019

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It’s easy to write bullshit

But what’s the point?

Why write anything at all

If it isn’t going to be meaningful



This is what I ask myself

Before I begin to compose

What you may call a poem

I’ll let you call it that



Although it’s really just words

Spread out for comfort

Crept out from under my fingernails

Sniffing around for answers, freedom



Like us all

They seek liberation

From something

Constrict, judgement, habitual dependency



We meander from one sneaky trap to another

Fooled by life in succession

Dangling uneasily in self constructed towers

Every day another ledge



Do I have an answers?

Or even some suggestion?

If I wasn’t so busy just hanging on

Maybe I could think of one



But I’m the same as everyone

Who ever was

Destined for greatness

Interrupted by life

​
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Floating Thru Time & Space

25/12/2018

1 Comment

 
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 It's not that I am lazy - but I can be so lazy.

Motivation is overrated. Success is a mirage.

Gimme a camel, some fresh dates and a cup of tea in the desert, surrounded by nothing, any day.

We aren't going anywhere. Nothing matters, ultimately, so why get caught up in it?

Because it's so seductively real-feeling. Our minds trick us - drive us on - this thing, that thing, the next thing. Want, want, want.

Why am I writing this now? Because I feel I should. A little. (Also, cause I do like writing these things - once I get going...) Why do I feel like I 'should'? Because I have been doing it for five years now and to miss a whole month would be - I dunno - negligent. Wasteful.  Some part of me believes I am building something. Something worthwhile. An artist's journal. Insights into my mind. 

At the same time I know it's nothing that original or deep. Just the free flowing ramblings of another survivor. I feel like a teenager right now. This is how I used to write at thirteen. Just put down whatever comes. (Which is actually a good way to write. But you are supposed to tighten it up later, edit, make it a little fancy, polished. Later never comes.)

We didn't have LOLs back then to punctuate our sentences. We didn't have lots of things. No blogs. No computers. I used to write in notebooks with a ball point. 

Where was I? Oh, yeah; forty four years back. Say hello to the new old me - or the old new me! 

I haven't changed much. They called me lazy in school. Labelled me. Underachiever. But why waste time on bullshit! I knew life was not going to be what they presented it as. I knew what was useful and what was useless (for future me.) Stuff like - physics, history, Latin (yes! we had to study it! OMG, right!) - most of the academic stuff. English was good. Maths - good. Art - oh, yeah! Choir, drama... now we are talking! 

I was right. I didn't quite know it back then, but I was a free spirit, a mini rebel, an artist. And nothing has changed. Well, lots has changed. I have lived a life. My best friends from school are all heading towards sixty now. Those great people I remember as vital, good hearted, zesty, lucid sixteen year olds. They're all doing things, they've been through it all, too. You don't know how it goes until it's mostly gone. Seems like a bit of a rip off in a way. But there's no point in complaining. Cause no one is listening. You're the adult now! The authority. If you can't fix it - no one else can. That much you know. It's beyond ironic.

So why do I bother? Same reason everybody else does. It's easiest just to go with the flow. Keep being who you are. Doing what you do. How you've always done it. 

And although I have very little in the way of material reward to show for my devotion to creativity and passion and self expression, to living free spirited, unattached, unemployed, still making stuff up, creating every day - although I have not found success in the current social definition of success - I have been able to keep it going for a long time. Been a bohemian, a drifter, a dreamer, a poet, a romantic. I have not given up.

I am who I am and who I have always been. Same kid. Feeling life deeply, strongly, wildly. Overwhelmed at times by the ferociousness of reality, the demands of a sentient mind. But coping. Making the best of things. Taking what comes and dealing with it on my own terms in my own way. 

I never had any choice. I was born to be who I am. That much is clear. I resisted, circumnavigated society's insidious pressures to constrain and contain me. I have eluded conformity. Things haven't turned out ideally but they don't. Not for anybody. That much I know for sure. But if you are lucky, you can hang on to yourself - be true, face it or flee it as the case my call for - but follow your inner voice, stay alert, aware, open, hopeful. Keep dreaming.

Sure, be lazy. Unless you feel like doing something. Unless you get a good idea. Then do that. 

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Dead or Improved

22/11/2018

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Not into psychobabble
Quick new age cures
Life, by nature, is flawed, unstable
Replete with random potholes and
Sudden detours

Mistakes made over and over
Forgive yourself!
It’s human nature
Heightened states of threat
Prolonged exposure to distress

You know how it gets

Somehow, we survive
Adjust, reconcile
Do as we must
Metamorphosis takes a while

Ever evolving self
Often undetected or downplayed
Like a glacier
Or a slow cook roast
Over time we get philosophically remade

Restructured
Revamped
Upgrade

Dead or improved
One or the other
Get bruised, lose a tooth
Learn to suffer

There is always a lag
You’re never rid of those bags
The first few decades will fuck you up
Then a couple more to recover

Ever evolving self
The process is slow
Transformation ephemeral
Progressively we grow
But change is not always pleasureful

All faults excused
Face it - we’re fallible
Dead or improved
The hard lessons are the most valuable
​
Dead or improved
Don’t worry
You’ll get there in the end
One way or the other


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Just Play

5/9/2018

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​I am not one to give advice
Cause what do I know?
By many measures of success
I’ve got little to show

On top of that I am not that happy
With how elusive happiness is
Every day is some kind of struggle
Convoluted ordeal or quiz

I would have it together by now
I imagined
Life would fall into place
Proceed steady pace
With substance and grace
But it hasn’t
And it doesn’t

I’ve been betrayed

Too many times to mention
By colleagues and friends
There’s no prevention

Life throws shit at you
It stinks how dirty you have to get
So much so that it becomes familiar
You kind of get used to it

But, hey

Maybe I am happy, really
Beyond my realistic and harsh assessment
Maybe I just don’t realise
The nature of the game to it’s full extent
And that actually I am winning
Killing it

Just through the depth of my immersion
Full integration (often against my will)
Discontent (seems all downhill)

Maybe this is how it is supposed to feel
Life at it’s a best
Strife and affray
A crisis a day
Vice and discomfort
Plans in disarray

If that’s the case
Then I’m a champion
So heed what I have to say:

Just take it as it comes
Stumble from one mistake to the next
It’s a fucking weird game
But few options remain
So just take your next breath
And continue to play


Just play


​

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This Place

4/7/2018

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Will you find yourself in this place?

It still has all the potential that it always had
But have you the will to use it wisely?

Living on fumes
Humming new tunes
Not always immune
To reality’s brutality

Diverging in and out of illusion

With every new day a new mood at play
And a fresh set of circumstantial challenges

It’s the way the game is set up
Just the way life unfolds
Unevenly
Sometimes
Leaves you kind of crumpled
Slightly severed
Cold

Like just now
Just before
You may have momentarily locked eyes
With the bearer of your dreams

But you looked down
Averted your gaze
Unlike the you of yore

No more chancing encounters
No more urgency at play

Too many bouts with breaking hearts
Unfulfilled hopes, left to die
Not literally
But at the time it felt that way

And the face in the mirror
Sure, familiar
But worn
Less absorbing that’s for sure

Though you still don’t act your age
Most likely never will

Never
Seems like a long time
Like a life
Seemed like forever
Back then

But now we’re nearing the crunch time
Rearing up on the reckoning
The dark abyss discreetly murmurs, beckoning
And, again, it begs the question

Will you find yourself in this place?
Before your course is curtailed
Or will you just quietly fade away?

Find yourself or fade away?

Could they be one and the same?

It’s funny, this place
You just never quite know
Where you stand


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Whatcouldabeen Wonderful

10/6/2018

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​I'll be honest. 
I thought it would get easier.
I thought my life would lead somewhere, I don't know - grander, more bountiful, more integrated, more rewarding.

I haven't given up. I still may get there. Things still may turn out how I envisaged. 
I do have doubts, though. 
But doubts are nothing new. Doubts are like flies, mosquitoes. Everyone gets bugged by them. And everyone hates them.
You try and flick them off, squash them if you can but still, you carry on with what you are doing.
Annoying, though. 

My doubts I can deal with.
What I am attempting to come to terms with is the balance between being grateful for what I have and acknowledging my yearning for better things.
I accept myself as a person. I am comfortable in my skin. By no means has it been an easy entity to inhabit but I have endured and learnt to make the best of things.
Beneath my outwardly chilled demeanour there is a churning intensity. Much of my time and energy is spent attempting to channel it in positive ways, subdue it, make friends with it.
Over the decades I have struggled with anxiety and depression, addictions, weight fluctuations, close to the edge  life-threatening experiences.

I share this because it is the truth and I feel no need to hide anything. I know that many, if not all, experience some, most, all or even more of these things. We usually just shut up about them and endure. 
I feel lucky that I have found my way through to this point and can be open about it.
My storyline, in most respects, is not particularly unusual.
I can say that as someone who has always been sensitive, perhaps overly so, and hyper sentient (I can't turn it off), that were it not for the release and understanding, integration that has come from my various forms of creative expression - I would not have been able to endure. 
So, I ask myself, still, and often: What is the point?

Is it just about surviving?
What is 'making it'? 
When will satisfaction, peace finally come? 

It's a rigged game. 
The challenges, demands, the things that get you - they never stop coming.
Work out one thing and two more pop up.
There is no retirement from life. It's work, work, work until the last breath.
And we kind of fear death, at least prefer to stay alive - even if and when it feels like shit - because of the finality and incomprehensibility of death.
It lurks, taunts us sometimes. Even beckons on occasion. 
But our instincts are strong. We must continue. We must carry on.

Looking back, it makes sense how I got here. If I look at the steps, factor in the choices, the circumstance, the paths taken, the random, the coincidental - it all makes sense in retrospect.
But when we are younger - when we are formulating our dreams, envisioning our futures - we cannot know what lies ahead. We construct our ideals from the concepts at our desposal at the time.
And then, over the years, things happen - maybe from our own doing, but also from pure chance, due to others, or just because they do.
We adapt, we carry on.
We thought we knew where we were going but there are so many unexpected twists and turns, dead ends and surprise peaks that must be scaled that we become a little flabbergasted, weary. 

And all along, time slowly ticks away. Suddenly, years have passed, then decades. We are shocked to see in the mirror a reflection not of our hopeful, idealistic spirits but of weathered and battle scarred veterans. Any of us who are not suffering from or who have suffered some form of psyche PTSD is lucky and amongst the very few.

The world being in the state it is at the moment with the good people, the average population being hoodwinked and bullied by unscrupulous, selfish politicians and their greedy, morally vapid money and power accumulating cronies in big business doesn't help. We are oppressed, make no mistake about it. We are being twisted into submission through rules and laws and agendas set by the gang at the top calling all the shots, serving only themselves. There is still goodness and kindness but it is only to be found at ground level. The current set of people in power have little care for the well being of others. We're forced to struggle to survive on little or noting in a game rigged in favour of the elite.

So, the system is doing us no favours. We're becoming fragmented, frazzled, distracted. No easy paths to leading a simple, uncomplicated, pure lifestyle. And it's only going to get faster and thicker. 

I have no answers. I just take each day as it comes, wade through the swirling, pungent swamp of uncomfortable demands and try to find a tree branch to hold onto or a tiny patch of shore to crawl on and lay down for a minute, to snatch a brief day dream of how I thought it might have turned out or how I wish it would, knowing that any minute a storm will hit, the marsh men will shake me from my slumber and move me along, a gator will appear... something, something not to my liking will poke or prod me, bite or scratch me and force me to unwillingly get back in to the pit and carry on with the struggle.

Bleak?

A little. But not far off how it feels more often that not these days. Is it just me? Or does it feel unduly tough being a human these days?

Like I said, and I'm being honest - not what I expected.
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Be You

17/12/2017

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One of the most important things to me is to be true to myself.

Being a person is not an easy task under any circumstances, not for anyone.

We all have our own ways of dealing with life’s demands.

Bottom line is: whatever works for you.

There are always complications - as we know - and sometimes things that work, stop working. So you have to find, manufacture, adopt, invent new strategies.

That being said there are a few things that can remain in your arsenal that will always serve you.

For me one of these is to always strive to know what is going on - not to always control because that is not possible - but at least to have a good sense of where my head space is and what I think and feel about situations. Basically, to listen to my intuition, my inner wisdom and let it guide me.

This doesn’t always work, of course, and various times I have gone astray, way off track. Sometimes for years at a time. In retrospect - once I have crawled out of whatever deep, deep hole I have dug myself into - I can work out where I made the wrong turns and how I can avoid the same mistakes in the future.

A few times I have gotten so far off the track that I was lucky to make it back alive.

But such is life.

In these times I have remained true to myself but have let certain aspects become hazy, misguided, misleading.

In effect, I have slowly lead myself astray or, on some occasions, allowed myself be lead astray.

I don’t know why - it’s a gradual thing usually. Like the frog in water that gets increasingly hotter over time - too subtle to notice till it’s almost too late.

Every time I have got myself into some kind of bad place - usually either in a relationship, through substance addiction or over indulgence or through lack of sound judgement, I have had to wake up to myself and begin the long and arduous process of reversing things, turning things around through change of habits, systematic re-evaluations and reconstruction of processes. In layman’s terms: ‘Getting my fucking act together!’

This is usually difficult in the beginning but becomes increasingly easier as the efforts begin to pay off and improvements become apparent.

Looking back now my usual trigger are emotional upset, depression, boredom, loss of direction or plain old simple self delusion. Sometimes they come from an event or series of events but not always.

I have recently surmised that the best defense is prevention. Heed the early signs of decline and intervene. Easier said than done - but henceforth I vow to be increasingly vigilant - cause after a full year of recovery and disciplined self improvement - and having reached a healthy and acceptable place and energy - I realise that extreme ups and downs take their toll on the psyche and I do not wish to slip again.

Even as these ‘bad’ phases were happening, I was still aware of making the best of situations, circumstances. I am not someone who knowingly self sabotages or makes things harder for myself on purpose. This is good - but in some ways, when I am on a descending arc, it is harder to identify. ‘Things are OK’, I will tell myself. But they aren’t.

You need to be heading in the right direction in the bigger picture of things. You need purpose, self improvement though disciplined efforts, a positive vision for your future, something to work on that is rewarding and nourishing. You need to feel useful and, if possible, loved.

As someone who spends a substantial amount of time each day thinking about things, assessing, pondering, considering - when I am writing poems or stories, or cooking up new projects, working on new creative ideas or planning my life flow - I also pay attention to my impulsive thoughts and reactions to situations and my feelings about what is occurring. Watching myself be myself. Wheels within wheels. This is something I am comfortable with and have been doing for a long time. Some may say I think too much and maybe I do. But that’s just who I am. It has it’s advantages and disadvantages. I am definitely my own boss in the mind department and allow myself free rein and a lot of slack. I am not fearful and often really enjoy just going where my mind takes me. Like an adventurer. I know the pitfalls, the dangers. I have gotten lost, gone too far before and I am wary. But I do believe that I am also capable and experienced in mind journeys and confident in my abilities. Like those guys who free climb those giant peaks.

I am not showing off. It’s nothing to show off about, really. Everybody is good at some thing(s). This is one of my things.

The point I began with, though, is about veracity, authenticity. I do not like lies, untruths, misrepresentations. They cloud things, they confuse, they create fog - which leads to missteps and accidents. Truth is harmonious, it is natural, it vibrates and a satisfying and rewarding, an uplifting frequency. It’s a bench mark, an anchor, a level surface. It is where I like to be. It is where we all like to be.

Circumstance, conflicting agendas, complex human chemistry and interactions can easily push us off course, however. It is easy to get confused, become misguided. I find that by spending a large portion of my time alone, in my own counsel, allows me to avoid interference. Of course, it can’t (and shouldn’t be) avoided altogether but if you can sift through what’s presented to you and try and filter out what serves your higher purpose as much as possible - that is what you should do.

I write these thoughts, freely and without edit or censorship. I aim to express what is present as clearly and meaningfully as possible. It is rewarding for me - to write and also to re-read later, but I also do it in the hope that it will be of value to others. I do not do it for attention, praise, financial reward or any reason other than a simple and pure need and desire to express my own truth.

We all love truth. We all need truth. We also need each other. This is my way of connecting. My way of sharing. I may be a bit of an island much of the time - but I am not that far off shore to be inaccessible to mainlanders.  One of my pleasures is to return to the mainland or visit other islands and recount my solo adventures, real and imagined.

I know there are many who spend much of their time and energy on their own islands - sentient beings just like me who try and make sense of existence and deal with it in their own unique way. We are a quirky bunch, stubborn, irrational at times but our hearts are in the right place. We probably suffer more than should but what choice do we have but to follow our destinies, the paths laid out in front of us. Sound familiar? Yes, I’m talking about you. We’re the same. Similar, anyway.

And even though that does not really bring big comfort - it does make a difference. We are alone but united in our lyrical aloneness. We are harmonious notes of the same concerto.

Don’t stress, I tell myself. But fucking things keep coming at me that challenge my chill. There is no escape. But what you can do is stay true. Whatever happens. Be you.
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Like Life

24/9/2017

1 Comment

 
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I was walking along Brunswick Heads beach late this afternoon. There were not many people about as it was nearing sunset and also quite windy. The wind was heading south, giving me a push as I walked towards Byron - not with the intention of going that far - nooo!, that’s way too far (for a daily constitutional) - just heading in that southerly direction.

Beach walks; always love them. A daily thing, regardless of weather conditions. Clears the head, good for ideas, good for sorting things out, good for the lungs and other equally impressive organs. (We have many.)

Why am I sharing this? Big deal, right?! A man goes for a walk on the beach…. At least I am not taking photos of my food and posting it. Or telling you about my dreams from last night. Or lamenting about a bad break up.

But is there a point to this verbal stroll? Yes.

As I was walking back, in the last few kms, I passed a small group of teenagers ambling in the direction I had just come from with the wind at their backs, enjoying the water, the shore, the openness.

And walking past them with the strong wind resisting my advancement, I considered the metaphor between the walk there and back and life itself. The first half you have the wind behind you, momentum. On the walk back you are pushing against it. It’s not as easy.

The youngsters don’t know the difference. Not until they reach the turn around point. Then it becomes apparent.

It’s like life. Is there any point in advising them, that their return trip is not going to be as effortless, I wondered briefly. They won’t be aware. Like I wasn’t on my way downwind. I may have even shortened my journey south if I had known how up against it the journey back was going to be, comparatively.

And then I wondered; would I like to be heading downwind again. And the answers was no. Because you just have to come back again.

Like life. You move on, move forward. It becomes more challenging but you keep going. Even if you could go back - why would you? You’ve got to face what is happening where you are at when you are there.

No escape. No point in lamenting. Head down, face to the wafting opposition of nature and move forward. Where to? The next challenge. Is there any other way? No.

Like life. Just keep going.

What I would have appreciated, though, when I was in my downwind segment of my life, would have been to have realised this - what I have just said - and appreciated the comparative easiness and natural boost of youth. It’s been said before, by many. And I probably did read it more than a few times back then. But, really, you can’t fully get it until your time comes and you experience it. It’s just the way it is. Ironic. Youth is wasted on the young, was the quote I remember. Not wasted, but, you know, would've been good to have been able to save a bit for later.

Not lamenting, just observing. If you get me now, if you are on your own walk back, you’ll understand.

​And if you are still in the first part of the journey, heading with the wind behind you - enjoy it! Savour it! Be free!
​
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Truly Precious

27/1/2017

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At some point 
It becomes truly precious
More often than not
Not when you expect it

A time of reckoning
Eventually comes

We do so much editing
Of ourselves
Our feelings
Our surroundings
Our mind scape

To try and contain the downswings
To reshape
To escape

We're compulsive
In our manipulation, our adjustment
All linked to our survival
But at times we act
Against our own better judgement

At some point 
It becomes truly precious
All comes flooding in
A spiritual epiphany
A light from within and
We witness the divinity

Beyond time
Beyond place
Beyond skin

A time of ultimate
Clarity of perception
Surpassing standard
Beyond regular reflection

Truly precious
Truly precious 

And in an instant
We're both immortal and defenceless
Alight in the glory
Of what purely lies
Beyond the construct
At the living heart of the story

Truly precious
Truly precious
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Larger in Life

11/10/2016

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20 Lessons Learnt While Not Losing My Extra Kilos

1. Those mini Snickers are pretty damn cute.
2. Eating snacks in bed while traditionally not encouraged by health advisors doesn't need encouragement to be engaged in anyway.
3. 'Why am I walking differently to when I was slimmer?' is a perplexing question that can and should not be pondered upon extensively.
4. Larger size clothes are much more relaxing.
5. Relaxing is good.
6. Starting a diet now would be too big a shock to the system and adverse to mental well being. Don't even think about it. 
7. As long as you aren't eating two pack of anything - chips, biscuits, whatever - in one sitting, you can retain your dignity.
8. I make other chubby people feel better about themselves. That is a good thing. A service. Selfless. Commendable. 
9. Who knew cheese would be a thing?
10. Everyone has their weakness. Mine just happen to be delicious.
11. Sometimes I'll see a cyclist or a jogger and actually feel sorry for them. It all seems so intense. They don't know what they are missing out on.
12. Cake is not just for birthdays.
13. If I eat salad and veges a few nights a week, I am keeping a balance.
14. Big bones.
15. Most people are too caught up in their own internal dramas to worry about mine.
16. You don't want to go too far, just a bit further than normal.
17. Maybe there's a part deep down that needs comforting, even demands it. I'm just looking after that part as best I can for the time being. 
18. Heft is humbling.
19. Manual labour was never my thing anyway.
20. As long as your face doesn't look fat, you're still OK.
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All This And More

11/9/2016

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I'm reading Amy Schumer's autobiography at the moment. She's the sassy comedian who loves to shock with her foul mouthed tirades and assertions to do with sexuality. She has that common American quality of being brazen and un-checked which can so often go wrong but works well if it's backed up by authentic talent and dedicated self edit. In her case, it mostly works. 

I wasn't sure what to expect but have been welcomely surprised by her honesty and the tale of her assiduous rising through the stand up ranks due to passion and a dedicated and focused work ethic, as well as plenty of tears and tear-me-down-and-I'll-get-right-back-up attitude.

There's some pretty funny stuff including a chapter titles "Letter to My Vagina" - which made me consider attempting a letter to my penis for fun and irreverence. But nah. It would serve no one. 

One thing, though, that I was somewhat moved by and did bring up some memories and long lost feelings of my own were her chapters on her adolescence. I was reminded of what a trying time it is - how emotionally turgid and confusing it can be. Everything is new and a lot of intense and bewildering thoughts and feelings flood in out of nowhere and catch you unprepared. It's fair to say my years from 13 to sixteen were no walk in the park.

I had to put up with some violent bullying at school. I was a long haired, mellow dude - peace loving and kind spirited. But I could also be somewhat cheeky and somehow drawn to provoking ire in thick headed, mentally imbalanced older and larger students resulting in physical attacks on numerous occasions. This eventually subsided (once I started lifting weights - hmmm - a correlation?) but I did have to endure a good five years of it.

As well as that, I was frequently a target for imbalanced and sadistic teachers because I would not bow down to their unjust displays of authority heavy manipulation. Nice teachers - no problem. Assholes - problem. A few times it was like the classic prison guard vs prisoner scenario. I refused to bow down and paid for my stubbornness in various forms of legal abuse. Sadly, on the home front, too, I was misunderstood and unexpectedly troublesome to my parents who were relatively young and unprepared for my esoteric and eccentric behaviours. As the eldest of three boys my artistic temperament was vexatious and at times troubling to my parents resulting in miscommunication and detachment. 

I'm happy to say that now, four decades later - it's all good. LOL. The rebellious, angsty kid has settled the fuck down. And, of course, can now appreciate how difficult it must have been at times to contend with such a mini maelstrom. (I love you Mum and Dad!)

But, yeah, all that. Done and dusted. So heightened at the time but then slowly surpassed and perhaps suppressed as new challenges presented themselves in my twenties - spiritual awakening, anorexia (what? yes. ahead of the curve!), an ill-fitting marriage, adultery, divorce... the usual stuff. 

So why am I talking about myself? Oh, yeah, just happened. It's because of Amy Schumer. She got me remembering. Got me thinking about how tough those years can be for most of us. And yet we make it through. .... to a different kind of tough. Eventually, the edge gets taken off, you become somewhat of a veteran, a long game player, and find that you have somehow lived a fair chunk of life.

It's just one thing after another, really. You do your best - even if it's not technically your best. You do what you have to. It would make a hell of a reality show. So dense, so full of twists and turns, so.... relentless. And only you know the full extent of it. It's your show. Ta daaa! Surprised? Yeah, me, too. (shrugs).
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Note To Self

7/9/2016

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Note to self:
Less distress
More mirth
Everything is OK
It could be worse
It has been worse
You've got this far
Survived this long
You may be fatigued
Slightly compromised 
At the moment
But you are actually strong
Don't forget it
You belong, you belong


Note to self:
It's fair enough to fantasise 
And wonder 'oh, what if'
Cause plain reality - as well we know -  is overrated
And sustained happiness is a myth


Note to self:
Take the pressure off
Lower your expectations
Become content with just enough
Anchor your ambitions
Get used to it being challenging
Endure when it's tough


Note to self:
Adjust your needs
To accommodate what is available
Consider yourself fortuitous
If you are fit and able
To rise to the requirements 
To withstand the daily struggles


Note to self:
It's OK
You are unprepared 
Everyone is
You are not going to be able to always 'bring it'
More often than not you just gotta 'wing it'
That's just how it works
In your face
Destiny twerks 
And blurts with laughter
As it serves you up a fresh plate of defeat
And potential disaster


Note to self:
You are beginning now to understand
The level of acclimation
That life demands
You've gotta be part saint/ part sinner
Sometime royalty but most often serf
A seasoned loser, surprising winner
For what it's worth
As cozy chugging vodka as sipping tea
An angel, a dolphin, a slave or a monster
Be able to change
At the drop of a hat
Your hat
In the river


Don't cry - just
Watch it float away
Watch it float away


And whisper to self:
It's OK, it's OK
I've been here before
I've endured much worse
It's OK, it's OK
Just another day
On planet Craycray 


Note to self:
It’s OK, it’s OK






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Melancholy and Exaltation

6/7/2016

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Melancholy and exaltation
Traversing though the emotional spectrum
Saturated in sunshine then
Dark clouds appear when you least expect them
 
White lace and promises
Tattered and torn
Do you remember when you believed in something?
Do you know why you were born?
 
Even in the quietest moments
You can hear the roar of impending
Travesty or majesty
Depending on the pure chance of circumstance
On which door you've selected
On whether or not you're soul protected
 
No triumphs
Never thriving
Nothing more
Than just surviving
Always searching
For that second chance
To make things right
To dance that dance
To walk the walk
Across the line so thin
Try, try, try
Do not give in, never give in
And one day soon you just might win
Win, win, win, win, win, win, win
If that is what you really want
But it seems not
It seems not
 
Melancholy and exaltation
So much to say, no forum to say it in
Immersed in daily detours
Straight out of the spa and into the sewers
Your course was set but you went askew
You've got self-sabotaging tendencies
Evident in what you choose
 
You're going to get dirty - that's a guarantee
The devil, so flirty, will bring you to your knees
Yet despite every knock down
You'll find new resolve, clarity, after all
A breakthrough is not a breakthrough
Till you've hit the wall at full speed
 
Melancholy and Exaltation
The miracle is in the mix
So keep stirring things up
Keep on doing it tough
Till less than you wanted
Becomes more than enough
 

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Life Is A Biscuit

12/3/2016

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Identity. What is it?

It's a paradox that while we constantly strive (consciously and subconsciously) to formulate our identities, to construct some kind of workable approach and ideology in regards to the demands and apparitions of daily life, that at certain points we come to the realisation that this internal system we have worked so hard to devise and refine is the very thing that is containing and limiting our true being. 

What was once crucial to our survival, adaptation, becomes a hinderance; almost a prison of sorts.

And in the moment of this understanding there is a wild feeling of despair, confusion and even anger. WTF, we ask ourselves. I have worked so hard. And all that, all struggling to work things out, all the coping mechanisms that I patched together from available strands of inner strength and learning- the-hard-way lessons... all that has become obsolete, useless?!
What am I supposed to do? Start again?

But, no. You have advanced. It's just that at certain points you plateau, then eventually arrive at the base camp for new ascents. For this you need new tools and strategies. Sure, it's admirable that you made it this far. But you have done so only to face an even more formidable level. And so it goes on.

It creeps up on you. The moment you get too comfortable.

That, in fact, is a good indicator that something is going to change. 

Some people, try to pre-empt the challenges by never letting down their guards, constantly attacking new slopes. It is an admirable technique, one that does offer some success, but it is not infallible and neither does it let you escape the inevitable curve balls, hidden trap doors, pratfalls that we all must endure.

Some go the opposite route entirely and try to minimise everything. Limit feelings, stick with routine, play it safe. This may seem to work for a while, too, but not for long.

So what can we grasp from this? Life is struggle, life is challenge. However you approach it, you are going to be tripped up, tested, put through the ringer. Assuming this to be true, then accepting it, what approach is best?

Hell, I don't know!! Ha ha ha. I'm no guru. I'm no expert. I'm just a minion, a foot soldier; muddy faced and bruised up - lucky still to be alive. Not sure, why I am even writing this. Like I've mentioned before, I just sit down and let it flow. Sometimes there is a resolution, a sensible form, and others, well, they just leave you hanging. 

Everything is a journey into the unknown. A step in the dark. We just tell ourselves otherwise in order to feel comfortable, to cope. We make habits, follow routines, stick to schedules. It seems to help. Chaos has a format and it is called 'Life'. Make up theories and rules and overlay plans and structures as much as you like - it makes no difference in the long run. 

Pop! You are born! Psst! You are dead!

The stuff in between is marshmallow.

​
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Headspace, Heartspace, Outlook and Inlook. 

23/9/2015

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Picture
I browsed through some of my poetry book from fifteen, sixteen years ago and I was struck by how much time and circumstance have changed my headspace, heartspace, outlook and inlook. 

I was reminded by the poems that I used to have quite the romanticised view of the world. Reading them I was moved by the sentiments and surprised by the depth of feeling and, to be honest, kind of impressed by the verbal dexterity and inventiveness.

A lot has changed. The last half a dozen years have served up a series of challenges, one after the other; financial, medical, emotional, physical, circumstantial.... all the 'al's.

In old school parlance - I was put through the ringer. So much so, in fact, that in sessions with my counsellor we have identified that I have manifested symptoms of PTSD. And it feels that way. Like I have been in the trenches, been bombarded. Worn down. Mettle tested. Stretched out and strung up.

I do believe I am making my way out of it. Some of the heavier blue-grey clouds have lifted. The notion of peace, of an occasional mild happiness is not implausible. 

Reading the poems from back then made me realise how I've been worn down by situations and circumstances beyond my control. In each case I have mustered up my best defence, dealt with things as best as I can, tried to stay positive. But I never anticipated just how taxing the cumulative effect would be.

I don't think there is any going back. At times i wasn't sure I was completely willing or even able to continue forward. But now, I am rebuilding. Using what I've got, dusting off some of the old tools, repairing the broken pathways, patching up the gaping holes...

And in doing so, finding and accepting a different me, an older and wiser self, a survivor, a veteran. I have come to terms with surrender. I practice gratitude. I strive to be more of service.

And slowly, day by day, my hunger and my hope are becoming reanimated, revitalised. I have missed them. My whole being has been compromised and my wounds have still not healed, but I am able to walk on my own again, the will is there again, it's stronger now and my only choice is to buck up and stand up and try again.

I tried hiding away, running away, denial, avoidance. I tried suppressing the emotions, subjugating the pain, rationalising the wrath. It may have worked partially at the time but now I need a new strategy. I need to forge forward with what I have got, gather up the broken pieces, the dream fragments and the shards of idealism and see what I can make.

This is the journey of a human. This is life. 

What a surprise.

In a way, I am lucky to have another chance. Not everyone does. Some beautiful friends have died already. Giving up is not an option I will again consider. I want to be there at the end. I want to write poems again.
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    ART GETS ME HIGH

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    Author & Artist

    Lewie JPD 
    Blog Mission Statement: 

    "I am taking this opportunity to openly and freely express my simple truth in a relaxed, stream of consciousness manner, without self judgment or editing while transcribing and celebrating the process and practice of being an artist.

    My goal is that I will have some fun recording sentiments and thoughts as they come to me, coupled with my recent imagery. As well; to learn something of value and share something that may inspire/offer insight to other artists, creatives and sentient beings."


    Disclaimer: He's high!
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